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2016 SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTIONS -- You heard it here first!

Discussion in 'General Scientology Discussion' started by HelluvaHoax!, Dec 26, 2015.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Hey, it's time for a yearly tradition, the annual what-the-hell is going to happen to the freaky cult of Scientology in 2016.

    There have been many wonderful and uncannily accurate prognostications in previous years--some brilliant, prescient or hilarious.

    As always, here's da rules:

    For fun, here are the threads for the past years. I couldn't find the 2012 Predictions thread. Whoa, nobody predicted that would happen. lol

  2. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on



    Effectively, as of 26 December 2015, Chapter XXIII, Sub-Section 14, "Divination Devices Disallowed" shall be revised as follows:

    ARCHIVE PHOTO: (ca 1967)


    Noted seer and internationally celebrated Oracle, Don Hubbard,
    demonstrates an early generation of his patent pending,
    trademarked FTP technology (Future Track Predictor). Don,
    the estranged twin brother of Ron Hubbard, has been the
    frequent recipient of governmental awards, including the
    1967 Outstanding Vagrant Achievement Award, the
    year in which his technology allowed him to
    be the first man in history to achieve
    the state of OH (Operating Hobo)[SUP]1


    [SUP] The state of OH was verified when Don's prediction came about that he would be declared and disconnected from his twin brother's church when he created a competing "Wall of Fire" technology. Ever the humanitarian, Don, made his fire technology accessible and affordable to all, by utilizing conveniently located public trash receptacles. (see Avatar)

  3. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Hey, Don. . .

    What is all this self promotional and self-aggrandizing shit?!

    Do you have a prediction for 2016 or NOT?!

    Hey, buddy, I know you are an Operating Hobo and all that, but either predict something or STFU!


    I've got a helluva lotta predictions,
    let me just read the first one off
    the list here. . .


    [Not because Cruise will realize that Hubbard's tech
    doesn't produce a Clear or an OT. Not because Cruise
    will have a sudden crisis of conscience when he realizes
    that Scientology lies, defrauds and commits endless
    numbers of human rights atrocities and fair game crimes...
    But because both Cruise's and Miscavige's terminably viral
    megalomania cannot tolerate any being who is bigger, more admired,
    more ethical, more humanitarian and more powerful than themselves.]

  4. Boson Wog Stark

    Boson Wog Stark Patron Meritorious

    My prediction is that in 2016, Jenna Elfman, always a self-appointed policeman within Scientology, will have a public meltdown which will further damage her career. She will not read either Leah's book or the one that comes out by Miscavige's father, but appoint herself the informal PR person to defend the sanctity of Miscavige and Scientology celebrities.

    In 2016, staff worldwide will notice more difficulty when dealing with the public and their level of receptivity, whether presenting Hubbard's books, courses, or trying to sell their front groups. This combined with increasingly emptying orgs will be a particular problem in places like LA. They will attempt to spin this as a new era of bigotry and persecution, but internally it will make the staff doubt Scientology more and go running to the Internet, and books, and films that are out.

    2016 will be a year of more vocal confrontation for anyone trying to disseminate Hubbard's crap, to people on the street or to the media. Therefore, the CoS will attempt to clamp down on the media with the barrage of legal threats, which will ultimately backfire, as the media will just report the attempts by CoS, for example, to censor their reviews of Ron Miscavige's book.

    Overall though, 2016 will not be as dramatic as 2015.

    David Miscavige will remain mobile but withdrawn, particularly around the time of the release of his father's book. Only a few people will even know where he is and they won't be allowed to tell anyone.

    Karin Pouw will continue to not appear on national TV in 2016.
  5. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    I just noticed a couple great predictions from last year's list, that really did happen in 2015.

    (Sheila): 6. The big movie showing the real crimes of Scientology is released and becomes a huge box office hit, sweeps the Academy Awards and is translated in every major language and shown in theatres around the world.

    4) HBO, BBC, and Mark Bunker ALL will win multiple awards for their documentaries to be released in 2015. (some awards won't be issued until the beginning of 2016)​


  6. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Nice predictions!

    Could be wickedly OT to combine those 2 in an ALL NEW & IMPROVED DISSEM DRILL.

    TR-RB: A training routine designed to help Scientologists effectively disseminate and fully handle any possible objections that raw meat could possibly offer as to why they are not immediately signing up for their entire Bridge.

    Student and Coach stand facing each other, a comfortable distance apart, much as they would upon encountering each other randomly on the street.

    Coach (wog) offers endless stream of non-sequitur, reactive comments designed to sabotage the Student's (disseminator) effort to salvage them from the ruin of not being a Scientologist.

    The drill is passed when the Student can effortlessly handle any objection by slamming the Wog's attention inward onto their reactive mind, forcing them to attack their reactive mind by immediately coming out of Doubt and deciding to join ethical Scientologists.

    (walking quickly alongside of pedestrian)
    So, I noticed that you are not looking very happy today.

    Because I am late for work. Whatever it is you want,
    I don't have time to talk to you.

    So, I can see this situation is ruining your day. What if
    I tell you that I have the technology to handle your ruin?

    Oh really? You have the technology of how to time
    travel so I can go back in time and wake up earlier?

    You seem to think that your eternity is some kind of joke.

    Wutttt? WTF are you talking about?

    Your eternity. L. Ron Hubbard has discovered
    how you can live forever and be perfectly happy
    and never get sick or upset.

    Right, hey it's been nice hearing about your cult
    but I have a scheduled appointment back on earth.

    So, are you saying you are refusing to come with me
    for the free movie on Ron's Bridge to Total Freedom?

    LOL. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
    Gotta go, buh-bye!

    Wait! You are refusing to apply Ron's tech?

    Boy, you Scientologists catch on real quick! LOL

    Stop! Wait! I have one more command for you!


    Well, let's not call it a command. Let's just
    call it a friendly question to help you. . .


    And, um. . .
    Have you raped babies?!!!

    The universal solution to all dissemination problems (i.e. the failsafe Baby Rape Question) was provided courtesy of a special grant by the Jenna Elfman Humanitarians for Total Sanity Foundation.

    ps: Oh, yeah. About that "TR-RB". That was Training Routine - Raped Babies.

    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  7. oneonewasaracecar

    oneonewasaracecar Gold Meritorious Patron

    1) Kirsty Alley will have a stroke in the middle of a noxious tweet, baffling the online community slightly more than usual.

    2) David Miscavige will release OT 8.1 8.2 and 8.3, in order to give the upper bridge addicts something while he works on the final solution to the the Saint Hill size problem.

    3) David Miscavige will release a series of retrospective pieces in Freedom magazine over several months with increasingly doctored images. The size of Saint Hill will be gradually reduced each time until the Saint Hill org is ultimately shown as a small one room time shack in the middle of a large field. At this point he will announce the ideal orgs were all Saint Hill sized all along (He will not use the same voice as the good witch of the north, although he will probably be wearing sparkling red lifts).

    4) OT IX is released. It consists of auditing body thetans who were involved in maintaining Marcabian psychiatric drug manufacturing facilities (mostly Janitorial staff). People will pay thousands of dollars to mop halls in between auditing sessions and screw Marcabian tetrabolts on and off mock ups of Marcabian power generators.

    5) Tom Cruise will make another Mission Impossible and will die attempting to jump the Grand Canyon. David Miscavige will announce that Tom has moved on to doing soil research.

    6) Aliens from Marcab make contact. They do not come in peace. Rather than destroy the planet, they seek damages against Scientology for misrepresentation of their sector of the galaxy may have on future record sales on Earth.

    7) Willow Smith admits she has no musical talent, apologizes for any offense people may have experienced from listening and vows never to make any further music again. Pundits expect Jaden to make a similar announcement.
  8. oneonewasaracecar

    oneonewasaracecar Gold Meritorious Patron

    You must have skimmed the thread. Or did you miss this?

  9. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    Shucks...and I was just looking for batteries to get the old ball rolling.


  10. oneonewasaracecar

    oneonewasaracecar Gold Meritorious Patron

    I'll just get my dildo out of the linen cupboard.
  11. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    I skimmed.

    I missed.


    I accept total responsibility. As such, I am already in a dark chain locker. I had it installed in my home earlier this year for those occasions where I didn't have time to do an MAA Routing Form at the org.

    I have a hi-def TV in here, laptop, fridge and a slot where the pizza deliveries come thru. Chain lockers are not as bad as they say.
  12. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    By the end of 2016, the wog world will move on and not give a rat's ass about the Church.

    Having run out of enemies, the faithful will busy themselves by selling Amway.

    DM will announce a new Amway product: Amway NewsPrint Window Wash.

  13. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    OT #1
    Wow, I was at the Apple store earlier today.

    OT #2
    They are so upstat!

    OT #1
    Where did you get that false data?

    OT #2
    Because they are the number one most valuable
    brand in the world? $146 Billion valuation? Twice as
    much as any other company in the world?

    OT #1
    Yeah, but they don't have LRH admin tech. They
    are bound to fail.

    OT #2
    I don't know, they are breaking all sales records.

    OT #1
    If Scientologists were in charge we'd show them real expansion!
    Not that squirrel admin tech they are dramatizing.

    OT #2
    Really? What squirrel tech is that?

    OT #1
    When I was in the store earlier today I saw them cleaning
    their front windows with a squeegee.

    OT #2
    Rather than newspaper?

    OT #1
    Exactly. Thank you for duplicating Source, Finally!
    I thought you were going all disaffected there for a moment.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  14. Jump

    Jump Operating teatime

    Ron Miscavige appears on a talk show to talk about his new book 'If He Dies, He Dies' and Dave comes on set with Lou yelling about the cocksucking lies that never happened on this planet and Shelly rushes out and slugs Lou for stealing her man and then Tom Cruise appears in the melee dabbing Dave's misplaced hair with a pocketcheif wetted in Perier water.

    Meanwhile many lives will be recklessly manipulated and lives and families messed with like pawns.

  15. SecCheck

    SecCheck Patron Meritorious

    Scientology will announce a new Narconon Ireland and a new National Affairs Office on Merrion Square in Dublin.
  16. Churchill

    Churchill Gold Meritorious Patron

    My 2016 predictions

    Jenna Elfman will be diagnosed with an advanced case of chlamydia.

    When questioned, it will be discovered that she believed the cause of "that tingly feeling down there" was due to unhanded body thetans.


    Steven Spielberg and Paul Haggis announce their collaboration to begin filming The Unbreakable Miss Lovely

    with Scarlett Johansson cast in the title role.


    Steve Canane's book on Scientology in Australia is released.

    Commissions to investigate Scientology are initiated in every State and Territory.


    Jesse Prince's book is released.

    Captain Miscavige is med-evaced to UCLA Medical Center suffering from a case of "the vapors."


    We will all get to experience that deja-vu sense of remembering that

    Scientology is always worse than you think.

  17. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Will Ron make an appearance in 2016?*


    *guanoloco gets ex-communicated for using a squirrel device!!
  18. Churchill

    Churchill Gold Meritorious Patron


    I predict they they will mistake the drone for the "Fifth Invader Force" and retreat to Trementina,N.M.
    until hostilities have ceased.
  19. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher


    DO WANT!
  20. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    The world recognizes the exulted state of OT is a hoax based on Tom Cruise's obviously poor abilities to recognize size relationship in the physical universe - on this planet.

    From October 4th, 2012:

    - circa 2004

    Then he gave her the intense, laser-focus stare.

    “You don’t get it. It goes like this,” Tom explained.

    He raised his hand above his head, palm downward. “First, there is LRH.”

    Moving his hand down a couple of inches, he continued: “Then there is COB (David Miscavige).”

    He brought his hand down to his own hairline, highlighting the intensity and seriousness of his words: “Then there is me.”

    From November 4th, 2015:

    - circa we don't know...on this planet...

    The time Cruise berated his assistant for not getting cookie dough when he wanted to make cookies. (In actuality, it was sitting in front of him on the kitchen counter but he didn't notice it.) According to Remini: "Tom raised his hand above his head. 'LRH' [Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard] is here,' he said, then lowered his hand to his chin and said, 'And Dave [Scientology leader David Miscavige] and I are here.' Then, with his hand down at his waist, he said, 'And you are here.'"






    Tom apparently thinks Miscavige is as tall or taller than himself. I'm sorry, Tom, they just don't make lifts that big - on this planet, yet.

    What can you say? Wogs and their tech...(shakes head)...