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2017 SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTIONS -- You heard it here first!

Discussion in 'General Scientology Discussion' started by HelluvaHoax!, Dec 18, 2016.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on




    Hey, it's time for a yearly tradition, the annual what-the-hell is going to happen to the freaky cult of Scientology in 2017.

    There have been many wonderful and uncannily accurate prognostications in previous years--some brilliant, prescient or hilarious.

    As always, here's da rules:

    For fun, here are the threads for the past years. I couldn't find the 2012 Predictions thread (whoa, nobody predicted that would happen).

    So, use all your hard won and certified supernatural psychic powers!

    SPECIAL RULE CHANGE FOR 2017: If you make a bogus prediction about a Scientology event that never happens in the MEST universe in 2017, you still get to keep your OT status and impressive advanced certificates---provided that:

    a) You still feel good about the prediction.

    b) Your prediction is real to you, because you consider it did happen in your universe on the first dynamic.

    c) Planetary clearing (of Hubbard's hoax) becomes a reality on this planet.

  2. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    Why Jan 30? A big event in Scn could happen on Jan 29, then I could "predict" it on the 30th, and I would still have made the 2017 Accurate Predictions List. :confused2:

    Shouldn't the deadline for predictions for the whole year of 2017 end on Dec 31?
  3. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Thanks, Hoaxie! :bighug: :biglove:

    This is always such a treat every year!

    For my first prediction, I predict you will find the 2012 Predictions at the end of the 2011 Predictions thread! :happydance: :whistling: :biggrin: :coolwink: :duh:

    For 2017, I predict that:

    1) HBO will create a new blockbuster television series of daily cult life in the SEA ORG
    2) Tom Cruise has been found to be secretly receiving electric shocks for depression and is DECLARED AN ILLEGAL PC
    3) David Miscavige gets arrested for Drunk and Disorderly Conduct and his mug shot is all over the net
    4) Heber and the other execs have a big prison breakout from Int and it is added to the new HBO SEA ORG series!
  4. Dave B.

    Dave B. Maximus Ultimus Mostimus

    Miscavige will continue to morph into a perfect duplicate of Liberace.
  5. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP

    1) Leah Remini continues to get great ratings from her current show on the A&E Network. More and more, people start blowing up the phone lines of their representatives in congress, the IRS, and demanding that something be done about this criminally abusive organization.

    2) A celebrity ex-scientologist who has never spoken out publicly before approaches Leah and requests to be interviewed for her show. (A&E Network will extend this show, agreeing to another season).

    3) The SP Times (AKA Tampa Bay Times) publishes another blockbuster series on Scientology which they are awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

    4) Lee Baca is sentenced to prison and becomes the national director of Criminon.

    5) John Travolta will still be "Not Interested" in the additional steady stream of abuse and criminality that is exposed concerning the CoS.
  6. Free Being Me

    Free Being Me Crusader

    1) $cientology has its religious cloaking status revoked in the U.S.
    2) Helluvahoax writes the musical breakout Broadway comedy hit, HOAX!, lampooning $cientology.
    3) HBO presents another $cientology documentary focusing on the abuses and criminal acts of the cult.
    4) ITYIWT is bestowed with honorary moderator powers for a day. Terril mysteriously disappears the same day never to be seen again.
    5) The U.S. government passes anti-cult legislation effectively putting $cientology and other cults out of business.
  7. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Yeah, that would kinda violate the principal of the word PRE-diction, wouldn't it?

    Ideally, you are right, the cutoff date should be 12/31/16 (at 23:59:59). But, many staff members here on ESMB already have signed approvals for holiday vacation time.

    Damn! I KNEW I shouldn't have signed those flakey, dilettante CSWs!!! lol
  8. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    But, but, but ... Who won the previous years HH?

    I want to see a winners list!

    Is this a genuine competition or wot?

  9. Little David

    Little David Gold Meritorious Patron

  10. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    I predict Marty will continue to sling arrows at bitter apostates, accusing them of "pity parties."

    I predict Mike R will continue to be a stand-up guy who helps more people escape the cult.

    I predict Leah R will continue to be a darling celeb lady who stands up to bullies.

    And I also predict another new celeb will do the right thing and come out into the light. (I just wish I knew who it is, damn! OT powerz not what they used to be!)
  11. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    LOL, of course this is a genuine competition!

    We just are very mindful of security issues and thus maintain the ANNUAL WINNER DATA uplines at ESMB International Headquarters (aboard an ever-moving underwater submarine), where it cannot fall into the hands of our enemies.

  12. lotus

    lotus stubborn rebel sheep!

    What are the prizes given to winners
    Who are the members of the jury please ?????

  13. DoneDeal

    DoneDeal Patron Meritorious

    Yeah. How many Ding points do we get?
  14. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    I reviewed last year's.

    I predicted President Trump (shame on me).

    Xenu got out and is in the attic; plotting revenge. (The wife thinks it's just a possum but hey!!!'s my universe; don't butt in!)

    And I think someone DID read DMSMH.

    So...bully for me! :winner:

  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    I am happy someone asked that!

    Well, we still have 13 more days to close out 2016, so we need to pick the jury members carefully. I would be very pleased if you and ITYIWT and any other qualified terminals do the judging for the following category:



    I am not at liberty to say yet what the Grand Prize will be, but let me just state that I guarantee it will be huge and very possibly orders of magnitude beyond your wildest dreams.
  16. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    Will it be...

    ....a "major award"?
  17. Leland

    Leland Crusader

    Well, lets see.

    In the past, Tom Cruise failed to get Will Smith into the Cult.

    Tom failed to get David Beckham into the Cult...

    Tom failed to get Jamie Fox into the Cult.... ( in fact Jamie ran off with his ex-wife )

    ( There are rumors that Katie and Suri caught Tom Cruise and one of the Beckhams in bed together...the rumors don't say which that wasn't good either. )

    So....prediction for 2017?

    Tom will continue to fail to get anyone into the Cult.....though he will try.

    Tom will be sent to the Int Base. He will be made to stand in a trash can....and clean the bathroom floors with a tooth brush. He will have a sign hung around his neck that reads: Kick me.
  18. lotus

    lotus stubborn rebel sheep!


    well, since you really really really insist to have bitter apostates members of the jury, I will be so honored to participate.

    Are you aware how this may be painful for a woman ..the waiting...the unknowingness... :unsure:
    I have something specific in my mind.. beyond my wildest dreams..
    but I don't believe you'll make it happen :unsure:

    Anyhow, I'll stay tuned, since grand prize info will be provided to the winner in due time :biggrin:

    Last edited: Dec 19, 2016
  19. NoName

    NoName A Girl Has No Name

    Hoaxie, I need your 2017 predictions for my in friend.

    Last year I think you predicted a UTR situation. Well, he recently tossed out the Basics but appears to be hanging on to Battlefield Earth? What the fuck?

    Also I recently asked him "who the fuck is this Leah chick?" (I don't own a television but have some guilty pleasures involving tabloids in the checkout lane). He seemed genuinely interested in the entheta I was putting on his lines. I'm extremely confused.
    HelluvaHoax! likes this.
  20. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP


    ITYIWT, I think this response you got was a polite way of saying "You don't have the F---ing rank to ask those questions!"