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2019 SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTIONS - - you heard it here first!

Discussion in 'General Scientology Discussion' started by HelluvaHoax!, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on




    Hey, it's time for a yearly tradition, the annual what-the-hell is going to happen to the freaky cult of Scientology in 2019.

    There have been many wonderful and uncannily accurate prognostications in previous years--some brilliant, prescient or hilarious.

    As always, here's da rules:

    1. All PREDICTIONS have to posted by Jan 30th 2019
    2. No fair editing your predictions once you post them. (Damn, there could be some crazy-ass scamming if people are re-writing the predictions AFTER something happens! LOL)
    3. End of the year, a WINNER and RUNNER UP WINNER is announced based on the most alarmingly accurate prediction that actually came true.
    4. Award also given for the worst freakin prediction that nearly everyone KNEW was never gonna happen in the first place.
    5. Contestants are not allowed to consult with OT's to get answers. (that's cheating)
    6. You can make as many predictions as you want but you can't give 2 opposing predictions like Ron would so that you are always right.

    For fun, here are the threads for the past years. I couldn't find the 2012 Predictions thread (whoa, nobody predicted that would happen!).


    SPECIAL RULE CHANGE (adopted in 2016): If you make a bogus prediction about a Scientology event that never happens in the MEST universe in 2018, you still get to keep your OT status and impressive advanced certificates---provided that:
    a) You still 'feel good about' the prediction.
    b) Your prediction 'is real to you', because you consider it really did happen 'in your universe' on the first dynamic.
    c) Planetary clearing (of Hubbard's hoax) 'becomes a reality' on this planet.

    So, dear assembled Homo Novi---feel free and grant yourself beingness to use all of your hard-won and scientifically certified supernatural psychic OT powers!

    (on this planet)

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
  2. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    I predict in 2019 that the banished & disappeared wife-in-exile of cult leader David Miscavich will take her first gradient step to escape the Bridge to Total Freedom, when she is tipped off that old friends of hers now have their own hit TV program--and they dedicated an entire show just to help assign her a condition of CONFUSION.

    And she will begin thinking about the formula. . .


    Enthetan and Operating DB like this.
  3. Type4_PTS

    Type4_PTS Diamond Invictus SP

    I predict that John Travolta will open a new WISE business, beginning with two locations, Clearwater and Los Angeles, helping to service some of the 12 million reported Scientologists with his own unique spin on massage therapy.

    John will take a hands-on approach in this business, ensuring no one leaves without an F/N at the examiner.

    Initial name being considered is a bit odd, "Long Fall Blow Down Massage".
    I don't get why he'd name it that but that's what I saw in his notes on the business when I did a remote viewing session this morning.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
  4. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    I have this sinking feeling that if Shelly Miscavige finished her CONFUSION FORMULA ("Where's Shelly?"), the examiner would not indicate her F/N if she originated a huge cognition that:" "I realized that I am in a cult being held prisoner for eternity in a remote mountain location, kinda like Xenu."
    Operating DB likes this.
  5. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    I predict in 2019 that SCIENTOLOGY TV (their cable show that runs 24/7) will launch counter-programming in the same time slot as Leah Remini's ratings bonanza and critically acclaimed series, "THE AFTERMATH".

    It will start Kirstie Alley and other cult celebs, on a show called: "THE DECLARING, DEAD-AGENTING, DISCONNECTING & DEGRADING DB SHOW"

    The celebs will sit around telling each other wins on how they disconnected, de-friended and destroyed people who left Scientology".

    The problem with the show is that nobody will want to watch it because no celebrities will come on and be openly associated with Scientology. And no apostates will come on because they are declared and nobody can interview them because nobody is allowed to talk to them.

    In order to solve the problem of a talk show that doesn't have any guests to talk to, they will use makeup and special effects and costumes and send in undercover Sea Org members posing as rich and successful international celebrities (that nobody has ever heard of).

    Probably there only will be three (3) full time SO members posted as "guests" and they will run back stage after their interview and quickly change costumes and makeup and get into their new character.

    Then I predict Kirstie will be assigned Treason for crashing the show's stats and ordered to go to Flag to get sec checks to discover the wholetrack overts she committed that caused tv viewers to not want to watch the show. (yes, Scientology IS that insane)
    pineapple likes this.
  6. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Where that dollop of hand cream is actually Liberace's last fart.

  7. pineapple

    pineapple Silver Meritorious Patron

    In 2019, scn abandons body-routing. Reason: OT IX is finally released, and as promised by Michael Chan, it gives you the ability to clone yourself!

    Scngsts claim their orgs are now bursting with people, but only those high enough on the tone scale can see them!

    It becomes a High Crime to "Invalidate a Clone."
  8. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    To help pay for Ideal Orgs, space will be leased out in each org.

    This will be to a franchise called Out 2D Club.

    They will provide specials such as the F/N, the Long Fall Blowdown, the Rock Slam, the Golden Era, the RPF (for S/M lovers), the All Nighter, the Up Stat, the Down Stat and so on.

    These will all be delivered at unreasonable prices.
  9. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    How about "all hands"?
  10. TrevAnon

    TrevAnon Big List researcher

    HelluvaHoax! likes this.
  11. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    And for those of us who feel truly naughty, a ride on the Ethics Cycle.
  12. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Hell yeah! Where's my routing form?
  13. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Thanks bud, nice detective work!

    And all this time I had bought the story from Church executives when it was announced at a mandatory event that the 2012 PREDICTIONS THREAD was missing because it had been "...hacked and stolen by psychs in order to sabotage mankind's only hope (on this planet)"---after which the 2012 thread "...knowingly and at cause shed ESMB as an impediment, in order to travel to deep space to do advanced research to help all of us here (on this message board)."

  14. strativarius

    strativarius Inveterate gnashnab & snoutband

    AKA the Ethics Dick Bicycle. :biggrin:
  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    2019 PREDICTION:

    The COS announces it has finally discovered and resolved the "final barrier to planetary clearing".

    It's an astonishingly brilliant marketing plan that will replace all the previous 68 years of ingenious marketing plans that didn't work.

    Scientologists will rise to their feel in euphoric standing ovations when Miscavige reveals that all church donation programs (e.g. IAS, Ideal Orgs, Planetary Dissemination, et al) are immediately canceled! He then explains that he discovered the "why" that Scientology had failed to clear the planet; because instead of clearing the planet Scientologists were all fighting each other to reg each other for ever last dollar everyone could borrow, resulting in a "financial war zone" where everyone was driven into bankruptcy whilst fighting like hyenas to squeeze donation dollars out of the few remaining whales. He then shockingly admitted that Scientologists had turned into "financial whores" chasing MEST money.

    Overjoyed Scientologists will then begin wailing and weeping in overjoyed expressions of gratitude as COB repeatedly bellows: "THE FINANCIAL WAR IS OVER! THE FINANCIAL WHORE IS OVER!!"

    After a record-breaking, "unprecedented" 90 minutes of foot stomping and "hip hip hooray" chanting, the crowd will finally take their seats. Then, COB unveils the. . .

    - - The Church of Scientology has recruited ten percent of its 10 million strong parishioner base for form an IDEAL DISSEMINATION TEAM.

    -- The 1,000,000 being squad is designated as the IAMM (International Association of Mobile Ministers).

    - - After paying for and completing their Mobile Ministers Course and Internship, they will hit the streets in their own personal million automobiles.

    - - On day one their 1,000,000 bright yellow Volunteer Mobile Ministers will put UBER out of business because they will offer a "FREE RIDE SERVICE" to mankind, courtesy of the Church of Scientology.

    - - During the free ride, passengers will be kept uptone with wonderful stories about LRH as the world's youngest boy scout, blood brother to indians and war hero---all that playing on the back seat video display panel.

    - - Volunteer Mobile Ministers will then find the passenger's ruin and schedule them to come into the org for their OCA.

    -- Passengers enjoying the free ride will then be briefed on Ron's policies on "out exchange" and they will be encouraged to make a donation and receive a free gift book (DMSMH) in order to go free rather than going criminal.

    - - All Mobile Minister's vehicles will be equipped with special GPS navigational devices that send all routes by the closest IDEAL ORG, where the car will pull over and Ideal Org staff members will be waiting to love bomb and 8C the passenger inside for a quick tour and OCA.

    - - All Ideal Mobile Vehicles will be specially equipped with door locks that can only be controlled by the driver, in case a low toned passenger attempts to blow the ride before they reach a major stable win, pose for a grinning photo of them holding up a jumbo "CERTIFICATE OF RIDE COMPLETION" and delivering an effective blow to the enemy by deleting the Uber app from their cell phone.

  16. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Hilarious, but unfortunately I must assign you Liability for the false report. Scientologists never claimed their orgs are bursting with people.

    What they actually said was that their orgs are now bursting with beings.

    I predict in 2019 that they will proclaim we are now living in the GAB.

    Golden Age of BTs
    13 trillion of them, to be exact.

    SPECIAL R-FACTOR FOR DOUBTERS, APOSTATES, CYNICS, DB DEBUNKERS, TECH DENIERS & OTHER SPS: Scientology is not some theory or mere speculation. It is not some stupid religious implant like "the man on the cross", designed to enslave mankind. Scientology is not mythology. It is not superstitious belief. It is science. The "Wall of Fire" and body thetans can be scientifically diagnosed, measured and confirmed with precise technological instruments like the e-meter. The meter reads confirm beyond all doubt that BTs are real. The meter reads are real and you can see them with your own eyes. If you are not on OT III yet, you can nonetheless observe meter reads by going into your nearest Ideal Org and watching people doing meter drills, and seeing the reads while someone calls off a list of fruits. The reads are therefore real, fruit is therefore real and BTs are therefore real. 13 trillion of them. Dr. Hubbard used the meter to scientifically & precisely assess orders of magnitude, he didn't just make up a number out of thin air, like some deranged sci-fi writer.

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
  17. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    I'm calling bullshit on this one, pal. Mainly because of this blast from the past.

    There were so many pc's cogniting that 'I AM MARILYN MONROE' that they shoulda set up a separate IAS called the IAM. ​

    International Association of Marilyn.​


    Unfortunately there was an epic pic with this that has bit the internet dust. Too bad because it was a gut splitter.
  18. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on



    Scieno-Scenario: A Clear is getting a star-rate checkout on the OT III "WALL OF FIRE" course.

    WARNING: Once a year, or so, I just like to let the Clears & OTs talk to each other and say what they want, no matter how long and "chatty" it gets. Therefore, what follows is very likely to be tl:dr (toolronhubbardish;didn'tread):

    So, let's check you on the words first. What is the definition of "Trillion"?

    It is a number equal to a million-million.

    Excellent! Demonstrate to me how you would
    use the word "trillion" in a sentence.

    Ron states that his wholetrack research revealed that
    approximately 13 trillion alien BTs were sent to earth in DC-8s.

    Flunk! That is incorrect.

    Wuttttttttt? I mean, no! It says that right here
    in my OT III course pack. Here look! Ron says
    it right here...."13 trillion" were shipped
    off to Teegeack!

    Yes, that is correct. However, I flunked you because
    you stated in your sentence that "approximately 13 trillion".

    Well, obviously it was not exactly 13,000,000,000,000.

    What does your material state?

    Well, it says 13 trillion but that happened 75 million years ago
    and there are no actual census figures or precise
    head-counts or YouTube videos from that time.

    Show me where LRH stated that it was "approximately" 13 trillion.

    Seriously? I mean can I just finish the star-rate checkout
    so I can go back to studying my OT III materials?

    No, certainly not. Not until we handle and clear
    your disagreement with Source materials.

    I am not disagreeing! Maybe there were exactly 13 trillion,
    maybe 13 trillion and one. Who knows? It's....approximate, right?

    I am sending you to the word clearer to find your word. Then
    I want you do clay demo why if your material states there were
    13 trillion BTs, it means that there were exactly 13 trillion BTs.

    What if I can't clay demo that?

    Then I will naturally have to send you on a routing form to Qual
    for cramming and correction.

    And what if I still can't clay demo that it was precisely 13 trillion?

    Then the cramming officer will send you on a routing form
    to ethics to because you are a bogged student, and therefore PTS.

    And what if the ethics officer does a PTS handling and the SP
    that I am PTS to is a BT that needs to be handled on OT III? Then what?

    Then you will be routed back to this OT III course room to complete
    your clay demo of how there were exactly 13,000,000,000,000 BTs.

    And what if I still can't do that clay demo?

    Then we will have to issue a non-enturbulation order on
    you so that you are not spreading your squirrel entheta
    out-tech to other on-source Scientologists in good standing.

    And what happens if I still cannot do the clay demo.

    Well, then we would still help you by declaring you an SP and
    we would disconnect from you until you came to your senses.
    And that would cost you years of sec checks and amends
    projects and hundreds of thousands of dollars to
    get back in good standing so you can
    do your OT III and attain freedom
    from overwhelm.

    All that because I considered the possibility that
    maybe there was 1 less or 1 more BT than
    exactly 13 trillion?


    So I can attain freedom from overwhelm?


    Isn't what you are doing right now a way
    of trying to overwhelm me into agreeing?

    Oh my god, no! LOL. It's just that
    the tech is very very very precise, and
    we want you to get the full gains from it.
    You know Ron was a Scientist, so all the
    tech is very scientific and exact.

    And what if I did the same "wholetrack research" as Ron
    and used my e-meter to find out the exact number of
    BTs and my meter reads on 12,999,999,999,999?

    Well that's easy to answer. If your meter reads on
    one less than 13 trillion, we'd just send your meter
    back in to be properly calibrated.

    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
  19. F.Bullbait

    F.Bullbait Oh, a wise guy,eh?

    The Routing Form - a Kama Sutra pose?
  20. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Whenever I hear Kama Sutra I think of that Boy George song Karma Chameleon.

    Thanks a shit ton, bullbait!!