ESMB has entered archive mode. All posts and threads that were available to the general public are still readable. The board is still searchable. 

Thank you all for your participation and readership over the last 12 years.

If you want to join in the conversation, please join the new ESMB Redux at

Featured 30+ Years in Scientology

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Free to shine, Mar 9, 2008.

  1. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    I have already posted an outline of my story (In and Out Part 1) and have now decided to expand it and fill in a lot more personal details, as a new thread. :)

    Sydney 1967 - 68

    I went to my first seminar at an outer org in Sydney, Australia, (I think it was John McMaster’s tour). My father had been in Scientology for a while and making a long trip into the city almost every night to study, much to my mother’s disapproval at the time. He was already working very hard during the days to support the family and spending nights away studing, and she had 6 children to care for. My younger brother had already gone with Dad, and I wanted to see what it was all about and not be left out!

    It felt like coming home the moment I walked into that Congress, to be amongst so many smiling and vital people. There was a great excitement and feeling of common purpose and at the age of 14 I felt honoured to part of “saving the planet” after hearing Ron’s Journal 67 (RJ67). We had to help NOW or the planet would be lost to WW3! What bigger purpose could there possibly be?

    I did my Communication Course and PE course in May 67. I helped out with volunteer work for the harried staff of the local org while studying my 3 times through Dianetics course. I really enjoyed myself being part of the team and the moment I was legally able to at 15 years old, I left school. It was quite a long journey from our outer suburb home and I did it alone every day. Often I was scared, though after a while it was arranged I could catch the train with Peter and Maureen Sparshott when they were travelling at the same time.

    At some point during this year, my mother came around to accepting Scientology. I know my brother and I drove her crazy with our newly learned acknowledgment skills. “OK”, “Thankyou” etc became banned words for a while.

    I remember one incident where Dad came home really looking haggard and distressed. Apparently the whole of Sydney Org was assigned a Doubt Condition and Dad would not play ball. He was threatened with being declared Suppressive because he stuck to his guns – ie his own viewpoint. I have always admired him for that. My memory is hazy on these early years, but I think the whole thing was cancelled and it was life as normal again.

    Saint Hill UK 1968 - 70

    My family was a large one and Dad decided that Flag was the only place to be. House sold, ready to go and a Flag Order came out about no kids under 12. Oops, we no longer qualified as a family and were redirected to Saint Hill, UK. I can’t imagine what my parents went through to transport us all half way round the world, it’s staggering.

    During my time in Sydney I had met the first love of my life, a young man on staff called Chris. Although very young, and an innocent relationship, we were inseperable and wanted to marry when we could. Leaving my home country, my friends and Chris was very hard. He agreed that we would somehow meet up again and that it was the greatest good and all that. After some months he stopped answering my letters, so I wrote to Peter Sparshott who told me Chris had died. It was a terrible shock, as Chris apparently had known he was ill and hadn’t wanted to tell me. And no-one else bothered to even let me know.

    Dad had been promised accomodation for the family when we arrived, however it wasn’t organised at all. So someone rushed around and arranged for us to stay some house that was empty for a few days, until better things were arranged. I remember it was mouldy and damp and bare and there was another family there too. We kids had to hide when someone came close, as we were not supposed to be there. Not a good start, but the die was cast and we were there. October 1968.

    Saint Hill at that time was an exciting place to be. So many people of all nationalities, people everywhere! Reception was down by the Chapel with the Canteen opposite, the hang out place for students. It was fascinating and ever changing. I remember when I saw snow for the first time, and once even rolling all the way down the driveway in the snow, what fun. I have memories of walking down by the lake, even though it was OOB. Walking through trees covered with snow and ice, a magical experience. There were so many lovely people sharing these life experiences there and I felt grateful to be part of it, despite the odd weird and nasty event.

    The family had moved into a large house in Oxted that was a sort of boarding house for Scientologists. Mum and Dad ran it and although I don’t remember much of this time, I know this was an extremely hard time for them trying to juggle it all. They were both on staff at various times, or else training. My siblings had to fend for themselves a lot, something my parents do regret now, although they all survived OK.

    Needless to say, I was soon recruited. What else was there to do? I had left school and had no intention of going back in a new country, and Scn was going to save the world anyway. I became the Receptionist and loved being the one who greeted people and happily sent them off on routing forms. I also did the switchboard, a big old plug board thing. I enjoyed my post and soon took on the same post on FND as well. I think I then did Mimeo Fdn but something went wrong there though, I can’t remember details but my first taste of ethics was being offloaded from FND as ‘deadwood’. It didn’t bother me too much, I was still working days!

    At some point I changed posts to Qual I&I and was responsible for moving people efficiently around Tech and Qual. There were a few celebrities coming in then, it was fast paced and interesting.
  2. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Motherhood and WW

    My new found freedom led to me falling instantly in love and becoming pregnant. I was 16, it was like time sped up. I did want a baby and marriage, some stability in my chaotic life.

    I kept quiet about it, because I knew somehow that if I didn’t, then abortion was going to be demanded due to my age. I wasn’t living with my family at this point, and the lady who ran the house I was in finally spotted me throwing up every morning and told my mother.

    All hell broke loose, and yes I was taken to a doctor to see about abortion, but luckily he said it was too late. The baby’s father had moved on to someone else, and his mother told me in no uncertain terms he would never marry me (we were very young but this was still a great emotional shock for me I was trying to come to terms with ) and so it was decided that the baby would be adopted out at birth, and arrangements were put in place for when it happened. I felt I simply had no choice, especially if I wanted to continue in Scientology.

    This was England in 1969 and the hospital system was not sympathetic to a pregnant young single girl. I had to lie about what I did to protect Scientology, as any connection to it would have been a PR flap.

    World Wide

    I was recruited for World Wide but it was decided I would be better in the SO. I can’t remember how all this came about. I went to Edinburgh for a month to the new SO while my Dad did his Clearing Course, having signed my billion year contract. Luckily Captn Phyl was wise enough to send me back to SH, or goodness knows what would have happened. She made up special ‘pregnancy’ exercises for me for the mornings instead of the usual and made sure I was looked after. I am grateful for that. My younger brother was sent to one of the ships, the Enchanter I think, at 15 years old.

    What to do with me now? I was sent back to Saint Hill and it seemed my only choice was to join the World Wide org. (This was the management org in place before Int and included GOWW.) I remember that day, it is seared into my mind. Sitting in a car with my mother crying because I didn’t want to go, but not knowing I had any other choice. I wanted to save the world but I felt so young and scared. (I understand my parent’s position during all this and I know I caused them a lot of heartache and stress. Joining staff properly seemed the best outcome for us all.)

    I worked as the telex op, and then Dir Com WW. This meant keeping the commlines smooth and delivering telexes and comms immediately. Jane Kember always scared me, and I remember being relieved when I had to deliver a telex and she wasn’t there.

    Things changed rapidly during that period, I was so young and totally encapsulated in the reality of that internal world I had no idea what was happening on a bigger scale. What was actually a nice place to work (in the Monkey Room for those who know it) started to become unpredictably unsafe.

    One day I came back from lunch and my desk had disappeared. I had been moved upstairs without warning and it was terribly upsetting to not be informed, just have it happen. That sort of thing. The normal rights seem to start to disappear. It was the period of heavy ethics and penalties started to be applied more. Like when you were in Liability, having to wear an armband etc.

    One incident that I recall is that we were all staff being sent to London to give out broadsheets. I CSW’d not to go, and it was not okayed, it was an all hands event. I was 8 months pregnant, it was freezing bloody cold and it was a nightmare standing on the streets trying to give away the broadsheets and picking them up again as they were dropped before being done for littering. The journey home is seared in my memory as being pregnant I needed a loo, but the coach couldn’t stop and I was in agony by the time we arrived at the Hill.

    Motherhood on Staff (the first time).

    My baby was overdue so the doctors decided to induce the birth. I worked on staff until the day before. I am grateful my mother came with me to the hospital, if she hadn’t I am sure I would have died. I was given drugs to alleviate the pain (which I later found out I am allergic to) and the result was that I told Mum that I “was going”. I really meant it. She held my hand and told me, no demanded, that I not leave my body. I heard her through the pain and decided to stay, and finally it was over.

    Because the baby was due to be adopted, I was not allowed to breastfeed, and yet my baby daughter was brought to me at the same times as other mothers saw their babies. She was then taken away for bottle feeding. The idea was that adoption was a last resort, and mothers were encouraged by any means possible to keep the baby. This put me in a terrible quandry. How could I continue to be on staff with a newborn? How could I give her up?

    Three days after the birth my parents visited and looked at this babe in the cot at the end of the bed. They told me they would help me raise her, as she wanted to be part of our (Scientology) family. So that is what we did. The hospital staff suddenly started to be nice to me, and taught me how to bottlefeed and so on.

    I was back on post within 7 days, the day after leaving hospital, babe under desk! I don’t know how I was allowed to do this in the staff climate at that time, I just did it. People would help out by taking her for a walk and so on, and my parents started to look after her more and more. (Eventually they adopted her legally.)

    This period of my life was total stress. I was living in a room at the Stables and I tried to cope with a newborn babe at the age of 16, alone, while working on staff. My parents were busy and I didn’t have any other support or knowledge of caring for a baby. I couldn’t cope with all the dirty nappies either, and started storing them in cupboards out of desperation. They were discovered and I was asked to leave, and moved back with my parents.

    I don’t know if the time sequence is right here, but sometime around then Martyn’s Place (a huge old mansion with about 20 bedrooms) was finished being renovated and my family moved there. It was a really beautiful place and I remember it fondly, and will try and post some pics sometime. I continued working on staff.

    During this time I was raped by a student who I was silly enough to go for a walk with in the woods one day. I wasn’t hurt, except emotionally, and so shocked by what happened and the guilt of “pulling it in” that I didn’t tell anybody. After all, he was an upstat and respected older student and who would believe me? And if I did tell, it would cause a huge PR flap and be bad for Saint Hill. It took 30 years for that to come out and be acknowledged. I cried for a week when I first told someone, and it has had a lot to do with my subsequent healing.

    This is the sort of thing that interests me, as it reflects the values of the group. I did not feel safe enough to report a rape, and lived with the certainty for many years that it was all my fault. Of course this is not unusual with rape, but here was I in the midst of the supposedly most safe place on the planet, and I could not tell ANYONE.

    Back to my story….

    The crunch came for me when one week I was assigned Danger or something and was not allowed to leave the premises, get food, shower etc etc. There was nothing I could do immediately to get my stats up and I ended up having to try and find somewhere to sleep the night. A friend whispered that there was a key to LRH’s camera/photography room she could get, so we spent the night there. No-one knew, and it was an interesting place!

    I met my first husband on WW staff. We had an instant rapport and decided to marry, though as I was still 17 it took some work to get agreement to that. I had been becoming more and more unhappy on staff, it was really an insane time and place to be. He was unhappy on staff too, and the thought of the freedom of a new life with him was too enticing to ignore. Our wedding was arranged to be held in Saint Hill Chapel. I can’t remember precisely what happened then, I think I blew the day before the wedding as I had been refused permission for leave or something.

    I still was married in Saint Hill Chapel! How did I manage that? I am still amazed. Only half the guests came, and I suppose the fact that any did was because they hadn’t heard I was blowing - after my wedding! This (very old) pic is in the grounds.


    My new husband and I drove off into the sunset (towards Scotland) with a profound sense of relief. I will remember that feeling forever.

    More soon.
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2008
  3. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    My new husband and I went to Scotland and after a while began to help out at a mission there. We had not been declared, and I did want to return to my family and what I still felt was the only way of life that had any sense. Life in a small Scottish village didn’t suit me, and I soon found my husband was as crazy as you could imagine. I mean really, really nuts. He would fly into rages and have “invisible” stalkers. His mother hated me, this blonde bimbo from Australia who had taken her son. It was not fun.

    I had left Scientology, left my family, left everything I had known. The relief I had felt at leaving behind the insanity started to recede in importance as I wondered what my life would become where I was. Isolated way up north, not in the country of my birth, I wanted to be with my family. But my family were in Scientology and I had fled it…..

    Eventually I couldn’t take it as my husband was starting to become more and more crazy and violent in his actions, so I knew I had to get out or my life was in danger. I told him I was leaving and he threw all my clothes down the stairs and was so angry he broke off a piece of the stair railing and came after me with it. I stayed locked in a room and the next morning went to the local train station and sat there until the train came.

    I travelled from one end of the country to the other and it was, for me, a terrifying experience. However I was befriended by a solider on his way back to London. I didn’t trust him at first, I was so scared (remember I was a niave 18 year old) but he bought me lunch, chatted quitely and calmed my fears. When the train reached London he found a cab for me back to EG and waved goodbye. I have never forgotten him, and thank him for looking after me.

    1971 – 77 Saint Hill

    I managed to get a room at Martyn’s Place again and begin to rebuild my life. My crazy husband followed me soon after. Goodness knows why - I believed everything he told me and decided to try again and he promised to get auditing. However over the next year or so he went totally nuts. He had ‘monsters’ that shadowed him, he would end up cowering in terror in a corner of a room. He shaved his head totally and threatened suicide many times.

    I hadn’t gone back on staff, but he was still a threat to the organisation. He threatened to have me deported and it was becoming a serious situation. The GO were involved of course and I was informed that it had come up in one of his sessions that he had been given ECT when he ws a child, (during a school trip to Russia) and that he was a plant! He had told me about the trip, whether it was true or not I don’t know, but I am sure the rest is absolute rubbish. I was ordered to handle it, and in fact my landlord was told that he wouldn't get his OT levels if he did not get him off the premises, and thankfully he was persuaded to leave peacefully.

    He was a sad, deluded bloke with problems who was attracted to a ‘religion’ that he thought may have helped him. Anyway, I have never seen or heard from him again, other than swapping divorce papers.

    By reliving some events it's exorcising some ghosts, though it's not pleasant. I find myself immersed in a mish mash of memories that I did not think I needed to visit again and had been dealt with. Yet my purpose is for myself, and perhaps others, to find those indoctrinating beliefs that can still affect a life so long after I thought they had gone.

    And one of those is "you pulled it in". That is such a mind control concept, because you can never be right! There is supposed to be no blame, shame and regret, and so accepting full responsibility for ANYTHING that happens to you has been a burden I carried all my life. I did it, I caused it, it was my fault sort of shit. What a terrible, ineffective and pathetic person to not be able to 'make it go right', to be abused and in supposed victim mode. That keeps the door open for it to continue. But I didn’t know anything else.

    If I fucked up back then, I now know it was a matter of self esteem, of being convinced I was not capable of thinking for myself, or that I had any rights beyond the ones the group allowed me, as long as I did what I was told.

    Despite being a good little compliant Scientologist, I didn’t rejoin staff at that time and instead instead ventured out into the world. (I can’t remember how I got back into the good books.) What an experience, as I had no concept of what it was like to have a normal job. So my intensive education of myself was to be able to pass for normal. I managed it reasonably well and found out what it was like to buy myself clothes and THINGS. I met people too, and they didn’t bite or cause me to cave in. I ended up working in the same company as another ex staff, Barbara Vowles, she helped me a lot but got sacked I think for speaking out about something. I often wondered what happened to her.

    I did a lot of volunteer work, like Reception SH.

    Case wise I had been audited up the grades by a family member. I did NED auditing and training. Over the years I ended up having my grades single flow, triple flow, quad flow and Expanded. Method I. I hated NED and ended up getting very frustrated and making up space opera events. They read…hey! I didn’t really, in my heart of hearts, ever feel that I gained anything from the auditing, other than say relief from ruds. Of course this thought could never be expressed, in ANY way. However during a session with a lovely lady I apparently voiced the Clear cog and she went to bat for me to be able to attest to it. There was much consultation and disagreement and I remember her banging someone’s desk in her determination that it would not be dismissed. I was allowed to attest to “keyed-out Clear”. This was before everyone and his dog attested to Clear, that came later.

    All I knew is that I felt validated, that the thoughts I had told her were simply normal to me, that it was a state of how I had always been and had never put into words. I mean after all, I was supposedly far from the top of the Bridge.

    I also was given special processes straight from LRH which he was supposedly going to C/S. I was a guinea pig, though happy at the time to do it, feeling very special. I think from what I have read now it was either L10 or L11, whole track O/Ws in there somewhere. Heavy stuff. I apparently did OK from the C/S end, I didn’t ever hear anything more about it. That auditing stayed with me for a long time, not in a good way. The weight of my whole track “overts” was grim indeed, with no-one to talk to about it, or help me understand. I felt like a very bad person, pretending to be 'normal.'
  4. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader

    :hug: :bighug:

    Keep posting....I am here....I am reading....Oh wow....the things you've experienced and been were and still are incredibly brave and strong......

    And....LOVE your pic! :)

    Wisened One
  5. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free's the same story with details I left out before when I was new here. :D
  6. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    It's the filling in the details that makes it 'real' :)

    Keep i up!

  7. Pliny Younger

    Pliny Younger Patron with Honors

    Did I miss a memo about putting up photos as avatars? I think it is great. Odd that I noticed so many at the same time, but great.
  8. Goldenrod

    Goldenrod Patron with Honors

    Your signature says it all, Free To Shine! and indeed you are.

  9. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    It's because of the "am I a target' thread, discussing not being anonymous. :D It just kinda happened. Though I don't really want to be looking at my mug all the time, so my lovely cat avatar may come back soon.
  10. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    I like it too!

    I've been lurking for these couple weeks.

    But I have to come out of lurkdom, abuse some fonts, and say,

  11. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    Cats here; cats there. There is no doubt that the SP Babes are *BABES* :)

  12. ChaoticPsychotic

    ChaoticPsychotic Patron with Honors


    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sitting here with mascara running down my face because of it.

    You are an Ex-scientology Kid. You may not see yourself as one but I do. I know that the peeps over on that board would love to hear your story!

    I feel like your soul sister. I hope that you are finding healing and hope in sharing your story.:handinhand: :blowkiss: :bighug:

    Love, Melanie
  13. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Gee thanks... yes I was. I didn't look on it that way until I found this board. And I am still coming to terms with the flow of my life since then due to the belief systems and self esteem issues that coloured it. I'm still adding to the rest of the story, there's lots more. And please continue with yours too!

    The ice that froze us into silence is cracking, can you hear it? :D
  14. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    I can hear it.
  15. ChaoticPsychotic

    ChaoticPsychotic Patron with Honors

    It's so awesome. :coolwink:
  16. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader

  17. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    This is what it is all about.

    Scientology has, for years, been used to "dehumanize" people....robotic TR's, intentional mis-application of tech, C\S'ing for the group instead of the individual, saying that the group takes precedence over the individual.

    Well, it simply is not true any longer.

    Shine on, you crazy diamond!
  18. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Hey did you see LH call me that or think of it yourself?

    I ask for a reason. Today reading Twin A's latest posts I realised how close I came to crazy at times going through that shit. I'm still dealing with the stuff stirred up so I can write it down and continue. It may take me longer than I thought to revise my story.

    I like being a crazy diamond though. :D
  19. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    You are an inspiration FTS!

    I am so glad you are doing this.

    Millions of hugs!!!

    :thewinner: YOU!
  20. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thanks Dudds. Yes, in the end we are each the winner, if allow our individuality to exist. I still wish I hadn't picked that particular race though. :duh: I mean, it's not about regret...I don't regret my experiences. I just wish I had followed my inner voice at the time... and I could have avoided so much!