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Becoming a critic...

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by Free to shine, Oct 24, 2007.

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  1. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Having written some of my story after decades, I have been interested in the personal changes I have experienced lately.

    I have crossed the line from quietly hiding disaffected public to critic...whew. :thumbsup: There is a difference between putting the whole experience away in a box, not to be thought of - there are certainly many reasons for that - and being open about what happened.

    The pain of betrayal, of loss, doesn't just go away by itself, not matter how we try. Wounds need air to heal and it seems to me that true recovery requires that this happen.
    Yet I still didn't expect to be here. :)

    I do very much care about the still deluded and the distress they will face if and when they know the truth. But it's more personal than that, this being openly critical. It takes courage in a very personal way, to face your own 'failures'.

    I am proud to graduate to critic and want to thank everyone else here who feels the same for having that courage.

    Any stories on what provided the impetus to 'come out'?
  2. Bea Kiddo

    Bea Kiddo Crusader

    For me, Emma. And this board.

    I love both.

    Even though Vin is trying to tell me love isn't neccessarily a good thing....

    (also, all of the info I studied on the NET, but this sight made it very easy to come out about it).
  3. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    Congratulations, FTS!

    Mine is the "poop on the sidewalk" impetus that Zinj described on another thread.

    "Big pile of poop there. I stepped in it. Others have, as well. I better stand here for a while at least and let others who are passing know it is there so they don't step in it, too."

    If that's a "critic", well then okay.

    I'm just doing what I believe to be my civic duty.
  4. Mick Wenlock

    Mick Wenlock Admin Emeritus (retired)

    Well for me it was a bit of a strange journey. I was declared in 1989 and we decided after nearly two years of 'getting by' in Denmark we would move to the States. Looking back on it I think that is when we physically 'left' Scientology. We got here in 1990 and things started to get better. By 1993 I
    was on-line and in 94 I discovered Alt Religion Scientology. I was appalled! My very first posting on ARS was defending DM and Guillaume because I thought that certain posters on ARS were speaking ill of people that they did not know at all.

    Over the next few months I saw various OSA and scientology people come on ARS and I came to realize that a) they were following 'policy' and b) that they looked and sounded like complete numbnuts. I started to feel mortified that I was still thinking of myself as being someone who was in their camp. As the attack on Dennis "Driver of the cross-town Bus" Ehrlich went down I found I could no longer consider myself to be part of it. Dennis had been the most outspoken and vociferous of critics - he was (and remains) an inspiration.

    Then I started to be much more critical.
  5. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    What set me out on the Poop Patrol?

    Being lied to.

    I realized that most of what I had been told about the beliefs of Scientology, who L Ron Hubbard was, what Scientology actually stands for in the Creed, were all lies.

    And that a Scientology civilization would be worse off than the one we already have, with no civil rights, and no freedoms of any kind. It was the exact opposite of everything I've always worked for and wanted.

    It is astounding to me that I ever worked for anything Scientology wanted me to. But I believed the lies.
  6. MarkWI

    MarkWI Patron Meritorious

    Me too!
    I wanted to defend Scientology in the beginning. Reading ARS I was thinking "What the hell! If all scientologists would start to write on this newsgroup all the wins they got in Scientology we could just overwhelm this newsgroup with theta. Why OSA want us to stay away from it?"
    Now I know why. Too many skeletons in the closet for Scientologists to see.
  7. Emma

    Emma Con te partirĂ² Administrator

    Your gunna make me cry.

    I love you too Bea :love2:

    To answer the question, it was being treated so badly as a staff member and wanting desperately to get out. I'd noticed people getting in big trouble for reading the entheta on the net so I decided to give that a go in an effort to get offloaded. It worked in two ways..It got me offloaded and it woke me up from my daze.

    I started posting pretty soon after that but I don't really consider I was 100% out until a few years later. In other words, I was a "critic" but not really "out"...if that makes sense.
  8. Alan

    Alan Gold Meritorious Patron

    I remember it well - your first tentative post on IRC. :)

    The great roller-coaster rides! :grouch: :dieslaughing:

    I'm In - I'm Out -I'm In - I'm Out? :whistling:

  9. lionheart

    lionheart Gold Meritorious Patron

    I got decalred in 82 and saw a lot of people that I knew to be good people get declared at the same time.

    I also noticed several dodgy, lying-type personalities prosper in Scn.

    Still I assumed the viewpoint that we had adopted in the late seventies that LRH didn't really know what was going on.

    Firstly I doubted the ethics tech and spent several years healing from the entubulation of being declared and the self-doubting of my own character. Recovery from the loss of the Bridge and no longer being allowed to audit others was very slow and painful.

    Talk amongst other dissidents moved from criticism of the ethics tech to criticism and funny stories of the organisational insanities. So the admin tech became invalidated, mainly through laughter and ridicule!

    I was after maybe ten years a critic of ethics and admin tech and was more or less of the opinion that LRH had known about most of the nutty stuff and had been the instigator of much of it.

    I looked at various other philosphies and systems, some were useless, some were good. I still generally believed the tech was fundamentally sound but started to see contradictions in it and the lack of application of the tech fundamentals in the way Scn was applied during and after my time in it.

    I met some people who had left Scn before my time in the 60's who knew the likes of Reg Sharpe and heard their disagreements with LRH and realised they were the same as mine from the 70's.

    Slowly I realised the source of the tech contradictions was in fact LRH and that in his life he was a screamingly bad example of the workability of the tech on himself.

    At this point I identified LRH as the source of all that was bad in the ethics, admin and tech of Scn. That in fact, just as he claimed, he was the Source. At the same time I realised that much of the good tech was developed by others and remembered the several different tech names that used to be quoted as source or assistant on the tech issues.

    Bare Faced Messiah came out and Messiah or Madman and they confirmed what I had already worked out for myself and I was a fully-fledged critic!

    The advent of the Internet just re-inforced what I'd worked out for myself.

    Meanwhile I had found by the start of this century three very workable practices that were simpler than Scn technology and took me to where I had imagined Scn tech would take me. They built upon the undeniable gains that I had got from my auditing.

    Why am I a critic?

    I don't regret the decade I spent in Scn and feel I benefitted enormously from the delight and the trauma. Ulitmately I know everything is well and things happened for the best for me, even when it appeared to be the most terrible.

    But I don't see too many ex-Scns who have this same point of view. All the exes that I know are still hurt, still traumatised, still suffering half a lifetime later!

    Why am I a critic?

    It seems I have a duty to warn others about the lie and con that is Scientology. Even though I personally benefitted from believing and being disabused, I wouldn't willingly choose to go through it again and I see too many other wounded souls.

    I did my bit to promote Scn and "Keep it Working". I played my part in the con. I have a duty to tell the truth to the unsuspecting or naive world.

    That's why I am a critic. Welcome to the club "Free to Shine"!
  10. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    I was not traumatised by my time in the SO either.

    I just looked at the amount of time I have spent in session taking charge off the injustices, the bad conditions, yada yada yada of 23 years there, and it is very, very little. When I go into session it just doesn't come up as an area that needs handling. I kept my integrity in fairly well while there, and was never on a post where I had to fuck people over to "do my job".

    I benefited tremendously from my time in the SO. Would I have benefited equally or more so from never having been in? I suspect not, but hard to say.

    Would I recommend someone now join the SO?

    In all conscience, er, no. :)

  11. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    That's so interesting! The net is what seems to have helped open the doors for so many. Imagine what would have happened if it had been available in the 60's and 70's. :coolwink:

    I didn't get online properly until 99 and I didn't actually start reading anything anti until 2002! I still had my head in the sand until then and of course instilled with the possibilities of death by reading the wrong thing. What a farce! I feel like such a goose for ever believing that. :melodramatic:

    When you get an outsider viewpoint looking in - OMG it's just so mindblowing. I couldn't go near ARS though, it scared the daylights outta me with all the hatred flying around. Though seeing the pro Scn posts did actually help put things into perspective as the endlessly SAME drivel that used to be gospel took it's real form for me.

    Though I didn't personally DO anything until I found this board - thankyou again Emma and you too Mick. Your actions mark a significant change point in history, in my opinion! :yes:
  12. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Oh mate - me too! I hate lies...hate, hate, hate them! :angry: Integrity is to me about the most important thing in the world.

    Yet it's also about reality isn't it? We agree therefore it is? I agreed with what I was told (lies) so many times because I wanted them to be true! Not long ago, after I posted something, I just sat and sobbed some pain away. When I isolated the exactness of that, it was that I lost my 'family', my group, all my friends - We Who Were Doing Something about the planet. Oh my goodness, it was instilled at such a deep level! The betrayals (many) and the loss of ideals affected me more than I had previously admitted to myself.

    And I guess that is what motivates me now, because I know there are still so many who have yet to realise their castles of sand can be wiped out in an instant if they put a foot wrong - and then what do they do?
  13. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    It's hard to let go of that dream. :bigcry:

    You reminded me of something that happened to change the endless, endless phone calls etc to get me back. I had maintained the pretence for so long..."yes, just need to Make It Go Right to get the money" sort of thing. I was still trying to keep the peace for the sake of others as well.

    One day I had a surprise visit from some out of town missionaires who just turned up on the doorstep. I was always polite and friendly, always. I ended up having a great conversation with one of them, he listened to my stories and I knew without doubt he agreed. I was a bit shocked...he just looked at me, nodded and said "you know stuff don't you?". And that was it! No more regging at all. I wondered how close he was to blowing.

    So we started to talk of other things and got onto the subject of astrology, which I was studying at the time. He asked me to run a chart for him as he had a particular question. I don't usually do that but I was amazed he asked so went along with it. There was a lot of non verbal comm, I knew immediately the question asked was not the real one, (perhaps for the sake of his fellow missionaire) so I answered both the spoken and the unspoken. :coolwink: (note - real astrologers never tell people what to do, only indicate possibilities of timing). He was blown away, and they both trotted happily off into the sunset. I did wonder what happened to him...

    Anyway, I realised that if I started proclaiming myself as an astrologer that was a pretty safe way to deflect interest in getting me back on lines. Hey - it took a bit of persistence but eventually it worked!!! :thumbsup:
  14. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    What a great post - thankyou! I echo your sentiments exactly.

    I often wonder what would have happened if I had been declared when I left staff in 82. It would have been so different, the door shut instead of ajar....

    I don't regret my experiences either, now that I understand some different philosophical viewpoints. These experiences made me who I am and have enabled me to help others in abuse situations. It still does hurt sometimes, and I am working on that by being here.
    I love your last para! Thanks again.
  15. namaste

    namaste Silver Meritorious Patron

    I have always considered my own case to be kind of strange.

    I was on staff at a class IV org in the early-mid 80s and I had a real psycho-bitch for an ED -- always on my butt, criticizing me and loading me up with so many things to do that I rarely was able to get more than a couple of hours sleep each night.
    I don't know how to emphasize that but the sleep deprivation was becoming a major factor. That can really take a toll on someone.

    I understood that there was much to be done and I really believed in the cause so I toughed it out for a pretty good while.

    One day though, I had to go out of state to handle my 2D situation that I had neglected for too long.

    On the trip back my van broke down so I had to get it fixed. I was on a tight schedule (naturally) to get back on post and I realized that there was no way I was going to make it back at my targeted time.

    I knew I should call and explain the situation but I guess I was just to afraid and intimidated as to what the reaction would be to make that phone call so I didn't.

    I got the van fixed and still hadn't called to say why I was late.

    So I'm just hanging out in a town that I am unfamiliar with. Just me and my van now.

    I felt like I had already blown at that point because I hadn't called. (Still haven't :hysterical: )

    I was sort of scared yet at the same time I felt a freedom that I hadn't felt in a long while.

    And I absolutely dreaded going back into what I could now more clearly see as a hell.

    So I went home instead.

    Now, even though I hated being on staff at that org I still believed in the whole Scientology purpose and still believed that I was doing myself and all of mankind a huge injustice by blowing Scientology and no longer contributing to the purpose.

    I felt that way for the next twenty years! Like I was commiting a continuous overt of omission on mankind. There was no internet when I blew and I didn't get online at all until a few years ago.

    I'm going to backtrack a moment. I've mentioned in another thread that when I went to LA I was on work/study and worked in the same office as Vaughn Young on the Mission Earth project.

    Through the years I had always considered trying to get back into the CofS, but wasn't sure exactly how I would go about it. I certainally wasn't going to go back to work with the lunatic ED at my home org.

    So I thought about going to LA and talking to Vaughn sometime when I got the chance. It's not like we were got to be close friends or anything but he was just the kind of guy that I felt I could confide in sometime if I found him and say, "Hey remember me?" "Well I've been blown from my org for a while now and I'd like to get back on lines and what would you suggest?"

    I knew he was way uplines somewhere and I trusted him and maybe he could help me so I could just stay and work in LA.

    So I'm on the internet a couple years ago and I'm checking out a lot of Scientology stuff and I find out that Vaughn had been RPFed (which immediately sounded fishy to me) and that he had blown as well and of course had since passed away.

    I also found the critic sites and blew off charge as I read them and somehow was not suprised to see that the CofS had taken the lowly course that it has but I was disappointed.

    I had always hoped that the Scientologists were sane and inteligent enough to keep on a good course and not go the way of the dramatizing fools that I had witnessed some of and I had always given them credit for keeping it real over the years that I was absent.

    Looks like I gave them a little too much credit.

    I blame most of it on Miscaivage because if the command intention weren't so f#*ked up at the top then it would likely be different down the lines.

    It is really a shame.

    Anyway, that's how I finally became disconnected.
  16. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thanks Namaste, wow.
    There's nothing wrong with the stated purpose we all shared, it is just so hard to accept this wasn't the way to achieve it...
    I love the bit about the never made phone call! :)
  17. Emma

    Emma Con te partirĂ² Administrator

    And I thought you were just some big old nasty squirrel!

    I was right! :coolwink: :D

  18. lionheart

    lionheart Gold Meritorious Patron

    The thing I would point out is the liability of being a critic!

    The CofS is implacable in its application of LRH Command Intention and so it is easy to become charged up when opposing or criticising them.

    In order to continue in your purpose of criticisng the CofS you need to do whatever you find works to avoid charge or releasing any that does occur.

    Best of all is to "criticise" while also staying somewhat exterior to the GPM game that the Cof S will automatically attempt to pull you into.

    Good luck in all you do!:)
  19. Colleen K. Peltomaa

    Colleen K. Peltomaa Silver Meritorious Patron

    Yeah, like everytime I go to the dogpark I tell everybody to watch out for the nazi animal services guy who glibly writes out $150 tickets when someone lets their pooch leap from the car to the gate without a leash.

    When will I stop feeling the strong need to warn people and can get on with other adventures in life?