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Blast from the PAST

Discussion in 'Life After Scientology' started by Sai Ninja 2000, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. Sai Ninja 2000

    Sai Ninja 2000 Patron with Honors

    Hello all you lovely DBs and SPs. I have some things to say:

    1) If it wasn’t for this message board, I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT OUT ALIVE. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Especially to those who helped me move and pack, those who helped me financially when I had nothing as a broke, blown staff member, those who gave me advice and support, who told me that no, I wasn’t crazy, and it would all be ok.

    For so long, especially once I’d gotten out and “escaped” across the country, I couldn’t even confront this board. I couldn’t hear anything about Scn. I didn’t WANT TO. I was done, and I wanted to be REALLY done. But I celebrate the day I left like a birthday, every year, an anniversary to my freedom. Every year I remember you, because you were here for me when I needed someone more than any other time in my life.

    2) My family is “still in”. My stepmother and brother have totally disconnected from me, though I haven’t been officially “declared”. My father hasn’t, but we don’t discuss it. We can’t discuss it. I feel like the line is so fragile that any disturbance could send our precarious balance over the edge and I’ll be declared and that will be that. Over 7 years later and I’m still afraid. You’d think, and I did think, that would go away.

    You think eventually the fear ends, but it never ends until you get your whole family out. I tried to ignore Scn. I tried to convince myself that it was another life, another story that I didn’t have anything to do with anymore. But that’s a fantasy. As long as I still have family involved, I can’t ignore it. I can’t let go of the fear.

    3) FrankBooth and I are STILL TOGETHER! :happydance: Happy and as in love as we ever were, planning to marry and spend the rest of our WOG lives together forever.

    4) I am STILL getting phone calls. I didn’t for a long, long, LONG time. I had changed my number, moved. Somehow they found me, started sending me garbage mail. And then the calls started, from orgs all over the country, places and people I’ve never had any connection with. Being nice doesn’t do any good. They just keep pestering me. I shouldn’t have to change my number AGAIN. I’m at the point where being declared seems like the only way out, if it weren’t for my family who are still involved. :unsure:

    5) I saw Leah Remini’s show, the first season. What an emotional ride. Whew. How closely it hits home. :( It made me start thinking about what I could do to help, if possible, without getting myself completely fucked. I needed to make this post. Leah and Mike kept saying over and over, it's not going to happen overnight, but if you keep fighting and keep putting the information out, eventually it will cut through the CoS bullshit. I look forward to the day when I can reconnect with all my lost friends, and I hope to one day be able to speak freely about my experiences with my father, who used to be my best friend, but who has become a careful stranger.

    Above all, and again, I want to say THANK YOU. I could never repay the help and love and support I received from the members here during my darkest hour. I know it seems like I dropped off the face of the earth but I assure you I haven’t. In fact, I’m about to graduate college! None of this could ever have been possible without you all. I don’t even know where I’d be if I hadn’t found this message board.

    THIS PLACE HELPS PEOPLE. I don’t know if you all know that, or if you see it. I know that personally, it’s a question I’ve had often since finally getting out – do these shows and documentaries and online stories and forums actually get people out? THEY DO. YOU DO. Keep doing what you’re doing. One ex at a time, guys.

  2. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    This is a powerful testimony to the good that this website (ESMB) does. It's been said before, but it really is a lifeline! Most of us have benefited from this lifeline, and seeing that "you are not alone, and there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. Others made it, you can as well."

    Party on ESMB! and everyone who contributes or even just lurks.
  3. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thanks so much for posting! It's really good to hear that you are doing well, even if it isn't in all areas of life.

    Like you I live with disconnection every day and the effects of that are as constant as the disconnection itself. It's in your face and influences your life. Yet we can still survive and be happy. Keep it calm and happy with your Dad, get as many 'marbles in the jar' as you can because they stand you in good stead when if/when he is challenged about your place in his life.

    Luckily my dad resisted the push to disconnect from me, he didn't make a fuss or argue, he simply kept up the phone calls until he passed away. I didn't mind him talking scientology because that was how he viewed life and being in his 80's he wasn't about to change. It can happen.

    Yes thank goodness for ESMB.

  4. arcxcauseblows

    arcxcauseblows Patron Meritorious

    Me too

    I think I would have left eventually anyway but the info here helped me make the right decision quicker
  5. Ogsonofgroo

    Ogsonofgroo Crusader

    So nice to see you back and congrats on furthering your education and moving along with life and love. Unfortunate about those still 'in', especially if they are family, there have been many, many heartbreaks caused by this vile and manipulative cult and, in my honest opinion, it cannot end too soon.
    Take good care of you and yours kiddo, keep on truckin'!

    :rose: & :cheers:

  6. PirateAndBum

    PirateAndBum Gold Meritorious Patron

    Yes, ESMB was my first stop when I left. Good people here. I hope your family wakes up as I do my own.
  7. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    Good on you for getting out ! Yeah You !

    After awhile I realized that being " declared " means jack shit.

    And, yes, with people " still in " it sometimes requires staying under the radar to keep family from " disconnecting ". <-- sentence - alone - reveals how evil the cult is.

    Live & love. Living well IS the best revenge !
  8. Wilbur

    Wilbur Patron Meritorious

    Well done on getting out. And sorry to hear you still have family in, which complicates your options for getting rid of the phone calls.

    Getting declared certainly seems to stop the mail and phone calls from coming. They could easily have tracked me in the past, but never bothered. Perhaps the level of aggression in tracking down exes to rope back in depends on which country you are living in - I suspect they are less aggressive with that in the UK. I'm disappointed they aren't offering me an amnesty on the declare - I'd have some fun with that.

    I must say, time away from the cult makes the idea of them contacting me seem more and more ridiculous. It wouldn't bother me one bit if they contacted me now. Wanna ring me multiple times late into the night, to try to recruit me? Please do. I'll answer every time, and you'll put the phone down before I do. Which I think is a useful thing for newly-blown exes to know - their psychological hold on you becomes less and less over time, until finally you couldn't care less about them. When you know they are not delivering the state of OT, then who cares about some truculent lies and half-truths written on a yellow piece of paper.

    Personally, I don't think I could stay under the radar for the sake of family. Not for long, anyway. It would be too much of a compromise with my own reality. But that's just me. I fully understand those who don't wanna lose their parents/siblings/children keeping their mouths shut. But I don't think I could live like that. There comes a point where you just have to say "fuck it", in my view.

  9. phenomanon

    phenomanon Canyon

    The only way that I think of to re-connect with my daughter is for me to recant, grovel and beg before some clueless kids for forgiveness, do A to E (at least), and pay for re-training from !951 to 1983; "wog" to Class 8, OT7, FEBC, etc etc etc.

    I will not.

    What Hilda will have to do to re-connect with me is to send me a postcard.

  10. WildKat

    WildKat Gold Meritorious Patron

    I had a similar view as well, regarding not compromising. But I can't say if I would have felt differently if it was children I couldn't talk to. I can understand some people wanting to stay under the radar if it means losing their kids. For me it was a husband, he stayed in the cult, I left, but we continued to stay friends. I can only guess what that might have cost him. He was all "good roads fair weather" up until he died.
  11. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    :welcome2: :wave: Glad you made it out - alive. :clap: And are here :thumbsup: :coolwink:
  12. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    I think the moment of 'getting' this disconnection thing came for me while I was explaining - while I knew about to be declared - that I knowing my friend of decades wanted to continue on ' da bridge ' I said I'll always love you & support your choices in life but I understand to continue on the bridge you are going to have to disconnect from me. With both know that. I'll always support you.

    My dear friend just sat there with tears streaming - and continued up ' da bridge '.

    Something about I willing accept the life choices of others while they demand I live my life by a standard of being willing to allow others to say who they may & may not communicate with.

    On another level, I look at people that I greatly admire who have been declared - I'm proud to be put in with them. And, I look at the antics of some very highly regarded people in the cult & realize they are just evil.

    My how the world turns !
  13. phenomanon

    phenomanon Canyon


    This thread brings up emotion that I can hardly suppress. I hate that this manifests.
    I just can't forget her. I think of her every day. I miss her so much. She's so smart, and has such a wicked sense of humor, and talent, and all the good things. I am very proud of her that she has built a successful life for herself.

    Pop! goes the Weasel.:squirrel:
  14. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

  15. Gizmo

    Gizmo Rabble Rouser

    Yes. Tears coming from the deliberate cruelness of the cult have caused me much pain again & again. And with my family. And with my friends.

    I very well know that hate is the strongest glue ever. hate sticks me to something like nothing else ever can - or will. I know that - I do !

    I work so very hard to not hate & not to go past dislike. ( well strong dislike for some ).

    But, even after a quarter of a century, goddamn it, I still HATE that fucking life destroying little cult. HATE as in HATE !

    I'm working over getting over it

    . . . . . , but, thank God, . . . . . . . . . . . .

    . . . . . . . I never got flat on my evil purps ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    And have I sat here reading other peoples story and cried - cried hard ?

    Yes, all too often.
  16. IWantOffThisTrain

    IWantOffThisTrain Eternal Optimist

    Phenomenon the qualities you attribute are the same ones that shine through in your posts, I pray with all my being that Hilda sends you that postcard one day soon. I am afraid we may are heading for the same situation with one of my step children (both parents were staff and mom joined SO after they divorced) Dad was never declared and has had custody all along but Mom is starting to make noise about the oldest joining the SO and they want to do it, we cant stop them once they are 18. Our fear is once they are in they will be forced to disconnect from us. I hate this god damn fucking cult.
  17. Gib

    Gib Crusader

    I can attest to that having worked with her. I still have the plant she gave me years ago and has had been multiplied by rooting in water. :happydance:

    Maybe you can send her a simple postcard like Hi, it's Mom, still love you, call me. Worth a shot :confused2:
  18. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Yeah I know. :console::grouphug:

    I'm only at the nine year mark but it's always in the background. I've found it best to let the grief manifest, to cry and then let it go until the next time it raises it's head. At least you can keep functioning that way.
  19. phenomanon

    phenomanon Canyon

    Hilda and I are very much alike, and that's a big reason that she had to disconnect. It was the way she chose to seperate herself from a mean, selfish Mother.
    She was joining the SO when she was 15, and I put a stop to it that she has never forgiven me for. O well. Were I not have intervened, the situation then would have developed into a huge flap, because her Dad would not hesitate to send in the Police to get her out of the Org.
    That was so many years ago. I did what I thought I had to do to prevent her from throwing away a stellar education, and a life of her own, to join a group that I had seen to be unacceptable. " Doing Scientology is one thing, but "being" scientology is quite another.
    In '83, when MAA AOLA requested that I "dose" an HGC PC with Thorazine, I went immediately to the auditing room I shared with Manu, and packed up all my materials, emeter, and whatall, and walked out the front door of the AO. (Never to return.) When I told Hilda wahat had happened, she called me a liar. During the months between my "blow", and her disconnect ( by teleohone answering machine, she did an "invest" of me which involved questioning my ex-husband, his then wife, and many of the mutual friends from the marriage.:duh: Ex husband was a multi-millionaire; I was dogshit.
    Hildie collected up everything she could that incriminated me as an unfit liar. She then gave up all my O & Ws to her auditors.
    I must say that her behavior was inexcusable. She called my husband of 2 years, 'stupid' several times to his face. She called his father the only time they met, a fucker. I was mad and hurt and totally gobsmacked at all this crap. Karen Scheer read me her sessions over the telephone. Hilda was 26 years old, and her mind was made up. She had become a KSW fanatic.
    She is well and true disconnected.

  20. phenomanon

    phenomanon Canyon

    Send it where?

    She told me that her life would be happier without me in it. Am I to not honor that she does not want me in her life?

    I am not privy to her address. She disconnected from me, for real, Gib.

    Thanks for writing.