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Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    That has Hubbard all over it! You could be the next Captain Bill channeling Ron's con.
  2. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    That has actually been my Goal for a long time. Hence, I have been working on composing an uptone theta anthem like Captain Bill's "GALACTIC PATROL" song.

    However, quite unfortunately, my ruin is that I have been unable to come up with a lyrical hook as brilliantly catchy as: "We all live only to die, in our ships out in the sky."

    I get goosebumps just thinking about that Dylan-esque lyric. Sheer poetry!

    On the positive side, many Independent Scientologists have told me that they already had huge wins and blowdowns on the title for my song, which said will make Salvaging this Sector a reality. I hate to boast, but it's pretty obvious that my song (when complete) will be orders of magnitude greater than Bill's low-havingness little ditty, which only was at the low-gradient "Galactic" level.

  3. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    Our stats are on an interstellar vector, salvaging this sector
  4. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    The Commander says "START!" the Loyal Officers begin.

    As each Target becomes "DONE" we WIN! WIN! WIN!

    We are so successful, the psyches are on the run

    As we clear the word "crepuscule" we salute Ron

    ...I need help...
  5. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    One of the most blatantly stupid parts of Scientology is the obsession with "statistics" and the incessant lying therein by its infallible guru L. Ron Hubbard.


    "Scientology is the fastest growing religion!"

    "We have over 12 million members!"

    "Our Ideal Orgs are booming!"

    "Our planetary dissemination cable channel is producing unprecedented floods of new Scientologists reaching for and demanding the Bridge!"

    Lying about stats is endemic in Scientology. The "most ethical people in the world" (like infallible sub-guru David Miscavige, org staff members and OT's) all lie about statistics too. But, they don't think of it that way--they call it "making things go right" to convert low-toned entheta numbers into high-toned, winning theta numbers. It's textbook, right out of Hubbard's holy scripture "SOS" (Science of Statistics).

    example: A "booming" Ideal Org is empty. A promo piece is quickly fashioned by the COS (Church of Statisticians) which boasts record-breaking numbers of "New Starts"! Closer examination reveals that all 30 Scientologists in the state were rounded up for a mandatory briefing where they were r-factored that LRH said 30 years earlier that "The WHY for failing orgs is FSMs not knowing how to properly find peoples' ruin". Then all 30 public dilettantes are ordered to donate $30 dollars each for the new mandatory "How To Ruin Friends & Influence Naysayers" checksheet--after which they are immediately routed onto that exciting new correspondence course.

    Okay, let's recap. Scientologists live in the theta universe, thus they are not stressed out nor worried in the least about lowly MEST universe phenomena such as numbers. They are ever grateful to Dr. Hubbard for making this possible by discovering the tech called statistics.

    courtesy of the Dinky DB Dictionary:
    Statistics - noun:
    1. The practice or science of collecting and analyzing numerical data in large quantities.
    2. (scientology) The practice or science of postulating an ideal production number that is sufficient to instill confidence in otherwise insecure aberrees who reactively and/or unethically are stuck in a lower condition of Doubt about Scientology.

    Last edited: Jul 25, 2018
  6. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    In the news this week is Scientology settling another decade-old lawsuit of a child who was coerced into a billion year sea org contract where they suffered years of psychological harassment, intimidation. physical deprivations, slave labor, forced abortions and other terroristic tactics to prevent them from "blowing" or ever revealing to the world what Scientology was really doing.

    From another thread speculating on the terms/amount of the settlement. . .


    As a matter of fact, one of my inside sources leaked to me the settlement amount. . .

    (and you're correct, it was 8 figures!): $ 00.099999

    The COS is already promoting the upcoming IAS event with an intergalactic mystery-teaser that it will reveal---

    "An Unprecedented Orders of Magnitude
    4th Dynamic Win on this Planet!"

    At that event, the IAS will unveil an Ideal Admin Scale, topped by an all-new-and-improved Scriptural SuperSlogan[sup]tm[/sup].

    "Not One Thin Dime For
    Any of Our Crime!"

    SUMMARY: Scientology "settles" by offering 9.999 cents (hey, it's not even one thin dime, right?), a gag order and the stipulation that cult goons will stop harassing, bankrupting, suing, fair gaming and terrorizing the plaintive. In fact church ministers were quite compassionate at the settlement negotiations, stating: "You should really settle rather than go through all this enturbulation that could affect your dynamics. Beings around you can really become affected by all the entheta, ya know, It'd be a shame if anything happened to your pets"
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2018
  7. Dave B.

    Dave B. Maximus Ultimus Mostimus

    Statistics. They love to quote numbers, don't they?

    One of the most cringe worthy moments ever, for me, was the mighty midget miscavige on one of those DVD's saying that 6,926,409 dust particles had been removed from the LRH video or some such OCD insane statement. Truly a moment to make a normal persons head swim with the realization that, "these f*ckers are nutty as a fruitcake."
    tesseract likes this.
  8. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Well, at least. . .

    "Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall..."[sup]1[/sup]

    Last edited: Jul 26, 2018
  9. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    PART II:

    That reminds me of a previous cult nomination into the Stupid Hall of Fame. . .

    Dave B. and Type4_PTS like this.
  10. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    PART III (conclusion):

    "Now they know how many holes it takes to fill Albert Hall. . ."

    " Now they know how many dust motes it takes to keep duped cult donors in their thrall. . ."

  11. Clay Pigeon

    Clay Pigeon Gold Meritorious Patron

    O Wow man!

    I stepped out of the library to toke on a doobie and the afternoon San Francisco breeze started whirling around me and became a vortex and there was a giant sucking sound and when I came to here I was on Hoaxie's home thread!!!

    Come on back to the Judge/Garcias thread Hoaxie. I thought the point-counterpoint was just starting to show a step upward in quality of allusion

    In fact I took out the airbrush and polished my last post.

    The revision has an invisible dash (-) in it.

    See if you can figure which two letters it separates...
  12. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    The only "invisible dash" I am aware of in regards to L. Ron Hubbard is when he invisibly dashed away from civil and criminal prosecutions in a BlueBird motorhome. I believe you will find more information about this in Dr. Hubbard's own scripture, under the heading "criminals committing overts and blowing".

    As far as your reference to "two letters", there are so many possibilities it was rather overwhelming; thus, I engaged a well-charged e-meter in an attempt to standardly assess & narrow the list down to just a few possibilities that have profound significance in Dr. Hubbard's magnificent body of work:




    Regrettably, I was unable to null the list to only one (1) reading item because each was manifesting another two-letter phenomena--


  13. Clay Pigeon

    Clay Pigeon Gold Meritorious Patron

    None of these letter combos are in the revision HH
  14. Clay Pigeon

    Clay Pigeon Gold Meritorious Patron

    The original post read:

    This reminds me of of the admonitions the Captain of HMS Serapis hurled at the master of the Bonhomme Richard

    I was charmed to have you accost me with a marvelous historic allusion and happy to respond in kind

    Hubbard declares there to be six branches of Dianetics and I enjoy none more than the Historic branch
  15. Clay Pigeon

    Clay Pigeon Gold Meritorious Patron

    Nor did the Commander of the Serapis disengage the action...
  16. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Oh yes, Hubbard "declared" many things. . .

    He declared people to be Out-Ethics, PTS, DBs, Squirrels and SPs. ​

    He also declared people to be Clear, Exterior, OT, Cleared-Theta-Clear & Total-Cause-Over-Life.​

    He declared that he was the first being in the universe to survive the "Wall Of Fire".​

    He declared he had created technology that produced an advanced, super-human, paranormally powerful Homo Novis.​

    He declared that he was "not from this planet"​

    He declared that Dianetics was a "modern science of mental health"​

    He declared himself "Mankind's Greatest Friend".​

    He declared himself to be Buddha reincarnate.​

    He declared that he and he alone had "risen above the bank" to free mankind from their collective, comatose MEST universe nightmare.​

    He declared that his discoveries were greater than the invention of the wheel or discovery of fire.​

    He declared that anyone who interfered with his rapacious religious racket or diminished his mega-cash-flow in any way should be "Fair Gamed", bankrupted, disconnected from their families/friends, tricked, terrorized and destroyed.​

    The problem I have with Dr. Hubbard's declarations is that he was a certifiably psychopathic liar.

    Hey, I am not just "saying" all of the above---I "declared it"----so it must be true, right? LOL

  17. Dave B.

    Dave B. Maximus Ultimus Mostimus

    I enjoy the DEFUNCT branch, myself.
    HelluvaHoax! likes this.
  18. Clay Pigeon

    Clay Pigeon Gold Meritorious Patron

    Well anyway HH...

    Before you take a hatpin to the soap bubble apparition of the pariah you have perhaps inadvertantly conjured in your home, would you be willing to respond to a modest query?

    To wit:

    Would you regard yourself as A. Atheist, B. Existentialist, C. Agnostic, D. Deist E. Adherent to some particular brand name of Theology (sure to be your least likely choice unless it's Pastafarian) F. Other, G. Miscelaneous H. None of the above?
  19. Dave B.

    Dave B. Maximus Ultimus Mostimus

    It's one of the strangest moments.
    In my opinion, certainly in the top half-dozen Stupid Moments in $cientology.

    Maybe some kind(?) soul could make a continuous loop of Miscavige telling the world how many dust particles have been removed from the LRH video. Maybe not, there might be copyright issues?

    Even the most indoctrinated $cn. Kool-Aid drinker couldn't watch that clip more than a few times without getting a feeling that something ain't quite right inside the exalted one's perfectly coifed dome.

    I don't know what it is: the dead certain seriousness and 'humble-brag' or the strange glee(?) he says it with. I can't put my finger on it, but minkia! it's way awkward.
    tesseract and Operating DB like this.
  20. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Love it! LOL

    If I had an undercover film crew (dressed as Sea Org members from "Golden Era Studios".

    I'd send them to interview public Scientologists outside their local orgs---asking them (seriously) about the "monumental 4th Dynamic wins" that were announced in recent events by COB.

    VIDEO CORRESPONDENT we'd love to hear what it meant to you personally as an ethical OT on this planet
    when you heard that Source scripture had cleaned up the audio and optical quality of
    LRH lectures.

    Wow, it was totally amazing! I mean, like it's like for all of us to Keep Scientology
    Working, we have to have the Source materials, right? If people can't understand
    each word, then they will get MUs and blow. We can't clear that planet that way.

    Wow, thank you for such a uptone, ethical. theta answer! One final question, the
    SP media, squirrels and SPs always try to degrade Scientology's contributions to
    mankind on this planet---they even claim that we are lying. But this time, we've
    really beaten them at their own game because we can PROVE scientifically that
    we removed 6,926,409 dust particles from the LRH video. Can you tell us why you
    this will finally shatter our critics and prove that we are clearing this planet?

    Wow, I didn't know that. We can scientifically prove that we removed 6,926,409
    dust particles? OMG, really? That's unbelievably exciting! How can we do that?

    Well, we carefully and meticulously collected all 6,926,409 dust motes and
    stored them in a really sturdy shoe box where they are safe.

    Wow! That blows me away! What a huge win!
    Wait, is a shoe box really safe?

    I'm glad you asked me that. The answer is, not really. That's why
    we need every Scientologist in the world to donate $1,000 today
    to fabricating a titanium box where these priceless religious
    relics can be preserved for eternity, in case there is a nuclear
    war that destroys the planet. Can we count on you to help
    save the planet and mankind right now by taking out your
    wallet and giving us a charge card?

    I, ummm......well, I mean....

    I really hope you are not in Doubt as a Scientologist and
    putting counter-intention of Ron's dream of creating
    a world without dust-motes!

    Um, okay, count me in!
    (hands over charge card)
    Hey, could you do me a huge favor and
    not write down that I com lagged on whether
    to donate? I mean, just write down my
    huge win that I realized that wholetrack psychs are the
    reason we have dust motes on this planet and if it wasn't for
    that wholetrack conspiracy, LRH would not have even had to
    discover the technology of turkey-feather-dusters to clean
    his Jaguar in our scriptural policy called "CAR WASHING". ​