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Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    New Feature on "THE STUPID THREAD"


    - - - - - - -


    Reference: What Level Of Brain Meme Irony Are You On



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  2. HelluvaHoax!

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  3. HelluvaHoax!

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    HOMO CELEBRITIS - noun: 1. A Scientology movie star who ocassionally allocates a couple minutes of their spare time to taking total responsibility for saving mankind and the universe.

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  4. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Cross posted from the OT VIII thread:

    Hubbard Communications Office
    Target II, Venus
    OT VIII C/Ses
    OT VIII Students
    OT VIII Supervisors

    When Dianetics didn’t work, I started researching with Scientology. When Scientology didn’t work, the money was rolling in by the truckload and I had thousands of people hanging on every word I wrote and willing to do any zany thing and insisting it worked anyway, so I thought, maybe I missed out on something that they saw that I didn’t. Maybe there was something to the OT3 story and BTs after all, even though I wrote it off the top of my head after watching a parade and taking a few handfuls of pink and greys with a fifth of scotch. I admit, I never completed the OT Drug Rundown, but that’s another story for another day.

    The truth is, I wasn’t a very good sci-fi writer and never made much money on it until Dianetics. I made up the research and the amazing miraculous stories, though I did attempt a few abortions on my wives. I never wrestled Koala bears and barely got out of the Navy without a dishonorable discharge after I fired on a ship without provocation. With Scientology, though, I always had a captive audience that was thrilled at every word that came out of my mouth, so I stuck with it. It was nice to be treated like a hero instead of a loser and I got used to it. In fact, I was just as addicted to being the admired dictator of a fascist cult as I was to writing stories. I made myself Commodore and Admiral and had my own fleet of three ships with slaves jumping at every command just to stick it to the Navy. I sure showed them, didn’t I?

    Still, I wondered at the people paying hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars to support my religion even after I had told everyone I was only doing it for the money. Were they getting some gains out of this that I wasn’t? Did I accidentally hit on something remarkable?

    So I started thinking about BTs and solo auditing. Boy, was that a mistake. Suddenly I saw them everywhere. They were in my soup, climbing the walls, putting fragrances in my clothes and infesting everything. All day long I tried chasing those BTs away. I thought, well, if I just leave the infested area and go to somewhere remote in my Bluebird, then maybe there won’t be so many. That didn’t work, either, so I asked one of the building crew who knew something about electronics to build me a machine that would zap them off all at once. That didn’t work, either.

    I still don’t know what you all got out of this, but the truth is, I failed. I'm a mess, you're all a mess, and probably a lot worse off than you were before.

    Scientology was always an exercise in my imagination and a bit of mischief on my part to test your gullibility and willingness to do anything for someone you saw as a god. It was a lot of fun for me, but it’s time you know it was all made up and that’s the truth. Go home now. Please, please just go home. I’ve had enough of this and enough of your sickening hero worship, too. It was just a con. Get over it. Goodbye.

    L Ron Hubbard
  5. HelluvaHoax!

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    KSW KOAN DU JOUR: What is the sound of one hand clapping cult flapping?

    ANSWER: Any sentence, phrase or clause containing the word "planet".


    -- "Hundreds of millions of people only hate Scientology because we are winning on this planet!"

    -- "Scientology is the only game in the universe where everyone wins, which
    is why everyone attacks us on this planet"

    -- "There is a new entheta SP TV show about Ron on this planet[sup]1[/sup]"

    [sup]1[/sup] (To wit: It's not really that bad, the TV show is only on this planet---all the other planets are running super theta programming on Ron).


    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
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  6. JackStraw

    JackStraw Silver Meritorious Patron


    What is the sound of one hand clapping cult flapping [bcolor=#ff0000]FAPPING[/bcolor]?

    Humbly submitted (blah, blah, blah...)

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  7. HelluvaHoax!

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    Cross-posted from another thread contributed by Revicamc, discussing a freaky faux fibber pretending to be Ron[sup]R [/sup] [R= Revived, Rebooted, Rehabilitated, Resurrected, Returned & Religiously Reincarnated).

    - - - - - - - -​

    [bcolor=#fcf0e4]Thus spaketh Ron Reincarnate: [/bcolor]
    [bcolor=#fcf0e4]--"The second book will be one that has to do with the subject matter of [/bcolor]NEST[bcolor=#fcf0e4] and how to audit it as well. While the third book will be Clearer Body Clearer Mind — as I believe this book needs an update with all of the toxic stuff we have in the environment, the water, and food supply these days." [/bcolor]​

    Ron[sup]R[/sup] has just egregiously crossed the line!


    NEST[sup]tm[/sup] is the exclusively trademarked and copyrighted property of the Church of Hoaxology.

    We are suing!

    NEST - noun: 1. A universe dating back to 286 quadrillion years ago, before the discovery of spell-correct. 2. "The NEST universe is more advanced and senior to Scientology's MEST universe." (- HelluvaHoax, from his bestselling book: SciFi-netics The Modern Science of Mendacious Hoaxes) . 3. The apostatic acronym for Natter, Entheta, Spoofing & Travesty)

    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
  8. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    If I could give this two little doohickeys, I would. This post would get both a laugh and a winner as I, factually, laughed out loud...for real...reading this.

    You're the best and I hope these keep coming throughout 2019, HH!!!
  9. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    This question was recently sent in. . .

    Thanks for your inquiry!

    As far as my own Bridge, I am very pleased to say that I have advanced beyond OT VIII. We will not speculate here on how I was able to rise above the Grade Chart. However, I can tell you it is amazing out here, operating fully exterior to constraints. Stay on your Bridge and I have no doubt I will eventually see you up the line. All good Scientologists, whether COS or Indie, eventually reach this advanced state, that has been described as "... even advanced beyond Scientology!"

    Regarding my bestselling book, you may need to broaden your search parameters, because there are actually two (2) bestselling books.

    BOOK ONE (SciFi-netics: The Modern Science of Mendacious Hoaxes) written in 1950, the same year Ron Hubbard published the sci-fi book Dianetics, a technology that clears one's mind of all thoughts and thinking itself.​

    BOOK TWO (Sci-Fanatics: The Modern Science of Mountebank Hustlers) written in 1953, the same year Ron Hubbard founded the Church of Scientology, a technology that clears one's conscience after clearing others' bank accounts.​
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
  10. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 2019 is shaping up just fine!!
  11. HelluvaHoax!

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    The actual story of Scientology. . .

    In the early 1950's a desperate con man known as Hubbard called upon his mediocre skills-- from 20 years earlier as a pulp fiction, sci-fi writer--to put together a scam known as Dianetics & Scientology.

    Recall that in the early 50s Hubbard adorned his first book covers with lurid comic book graphics containing cheap sci-fi iconography like VOLCANOS and high-tech ALIEN SECURITY BOXES.




    Nearly 4 decades later Hubbard recycled his VOLCANO narrative when in 1967 he released the story of "the greatest catastrophe in the history of the universe", called OT III. The story of Xenu exploding nuclear bombs inside volcanos 75 million years ago in order to trap and corral alien "body thetans" into embedding themselves onto and into the bodies/minds of everyone on earth--forever.

    Never to miss repeating his successful actions (DMSMH sold a lot of copies) he also recycled those ALIEN SECURITY BOXES into his Xenu story by ludicrously claiming that bad spacemen from 75M years ago put trillions (yes trillions) of thetans inside those boxes and shipped them to Earth so that they could haunt human beings ad infinitum.


    Let's advance 3 more decades now, when Hubbard needed fast cash again. This time Hubbard "went to the mattresses boxes" again and repeated the box gimmick in the 1990s and the two decades thereafter. The shell box game is still being run to this day!


    So, folks, step right up and give us your donation! Any amount will be great to help us save this planet and the universe. We need 100 million dollars cash to put Ron's books onto engraved stainless steel plates, surrounded by titanium boxes!


  12. HelluvaHoax!

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    Hey, we appreciate your willingness to donate $200,000 to the
    "BOOKS IN BOXES MAKE BOOMS" project, but that's chump change.
    A hundred "K" is not going to even be enough to engrave the table
    of contents of DMSHH, let alone the entire contents as well as
    all of the other books in the Ron Library!

    Well, I guess I could get a third mortgage on my house but I would
    then be hopelessly be buried in debt.

    Really? How much would that be?

    Well, I am not going to donate that much but I meant $500,000.

    Well, thank you for being willing to consider a half million dollars.
    To be quite honest, that's not even enough to buy the titanium boxes
    to house the PDC tapes. You are worried about your little MEST house
    while 7.4 billion people on earth are dying and losing their eternity.

    But if i go bankrupt, how is that the greatest good for the dynamics?

    We need you to do a million dollars. We've already got your bank
    on the phone. Here, talk to them (thrusts phone at him). . .

    But I don't want to talk to him...

    Did I give you the VIP briefing where I explained
    that these are not ordinary boxes, they are titanium,
    so that they last forever?

    Yes, we've been all over that 3 times today.

    Yeah but i didn't give you the confidential part of
    the briefing, that these boxes are going to be buried
    in a remote location under a mountain for eternity!!!

    So? So what? How is that special or even confidential?

    Don't you get it? Xenu was also buried in a remote location
    under a mountain for eternity.

    Oh.My.God! I never made that connection. Are you saying
    that the titanium boxes that will be bought with my money
    are going to be buried forever under the same mountain
    that Xenu is being held prisoner in?!!!

    Well, I'm not going to give you verbal data on that one, but
    let's just pretend hypothetically for a moment that---yes,
    your box will be buried close to the exact location Xenu is--
    then what would you do?

    Holy Hell! I get it! But I just finished telling you that I
    would go bankrupt if I only borrowed a half-million and
    here you are asking me for a million.

    Well, if you are going to go bankrupt at a half-million, it's
    the greatest good to borrow a million, since you are going
    to be bankrupt anyways. That's just in ethics and high havingness!

    I see your point. Okay, give me the phone, I'll do the million.

  13. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    If you think about it the titanium boxes and all that are just proof positive that Scientology doesn't work. It's a counter postulate to "salvaging this sector". It's unmocking and outcreating the whole enchilada of saving man from the treacherous bank. If it can't do that then it deserves to die in a nuclear fire of pain and amnesia...on this planet.
  14. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Just for fun. . .

    This hilarious vignette from another thread. . .

    - - - - - -​


    Meanwhile. . .

    Somewhere off-planet, in the Children of Nazareth's Ideal Mothership, aliens are watching the video of you pranking their street representatives.

    And they are howling with laughter--that you thought their "cult dork-zombies" were actually humans, rather than aliens using "religious cloaking" by temporarily donning the meat bodies of the human species.

    And they found it hilarious that you didn't know these two "disciples" actually DID have miraculous superpowers of exteriorization, levitation and the ability to "mock up" real (objective) matter, energy, space and time.

    Seems that you were a highly rated segment of the intergalactic TV show "Earth's Funniest Home Videos" where they pretend that they are dumb-ass kool-aid cult losers, so that humans can go all AD-HOM on them without knowing that trillions76 of deep space beings were watching the show and ROFLMLMAAO (Rolling on the Flying Mothership Laughing My Alien Ass Off).

    Yeah, that's right. After my excellent adventure with Scientology, I am always preparing for the surprise ending. LOL

    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
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  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Well, that's a very logical point.

    Except that it's not consistent with Scientology logic, which behaves according to the Hubbard Law of Commotion (i.e. "For each and every policy, code, scale and piece of tech, there is an equal and opposite policy, code, scale and piece of tech.")

    Ron states in scripture that "....the earth has at best 5 years left" (before it destroys itself in a nuclear holocaust or worse).

    Ron also states in scripture that Scientology is "winning" and "clearing the planet" and that the "dwindling spiral has been reversed" and that "OTs can very easily handle homo sapiens" and "operate at total cause over life" and that nothing can stop the Sea Org from "making it go right" to not only "handle this planet" but also "salvage this sector of the universe". Ron also reminds us that a "tone 40 postulate" is unstoppable and thus "our future is assured" and all OTs have "secured their eternities".

    So, what's up with that "...only 5 years remaining", Ron? That was in the 1980s that you gave your doomsday prophecy---but we are still here.

    I guess we "made it go right" to "get out of the MEST trap", then.....right?

    I think what you have spotted is that Dr. Hubbard's TONE 40 POSTULATE was not so tone 40, after all, since he had that "doubt and reservation" about whether the planet was going to self-destruct. Ergo, he ordered earth beings to bury his tech so that hundreds of thousands of years from now cave men (and Piltdown Men 2.0) will stumble across it and figure out how to read english.

    I always wondered (if it is buried deep underground in a remote mountain) how they will even notice it.

    I also wondered (if they can somehow manage to even find it) if it will contain a titanium demo kit and a titanium box of clay.

    I worry about stuff like this. lol

    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
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  16. HelluvaHoax!

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    ps: As with all other Scientology "discoveries" and "breakthroughs", even the TITANIUM TIME CAPSULE MARKETING SCAM was stolen from other cults....

    If Hubbard had been the first to think of this scam, when post-apocalyptic cave men discover the Scientology Time Capsule (hundreds of thousands of years after the earth is destroyed), those Neathanderal-Novis would be finding the titanium boxes containing 8-track music tapes of the re-release of the 1950's album "PERRY COMO'S GREATEST HITS".
  17. HelluvaHoax!

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    cross-posted from another thread conversing about
    conniving cultCloaking & cultCraft

    - - - - -
    Cool compilation of cult contrivances!

    Continuing. . . .

    Prayers become Postulates

    God becomes The Supreme "Being"

    Sunday service becomes Thursday Service (Fac)

    Baptism becomes Overboarding

    "The man on the cross--there was no Christ" - -L. Ron Hubbard
    "The man on the boat--there was no OT" - - L. Don Hubbard[sup]1[/sup]

    [sup]1[/sup] Don Hubbard is Ron's estranged, disaffected, blown & declared evil twin brother (see avatar).

  18. HelluvaHoax!

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    CultCraft conjugation of cult contrivances. . .


    SCIENTOLOGY RELIGION WORSHIPS: The Supreme "Being"[sup]1[/sup]​

    [sup]1[/sup] The Supreme "Being": In the religion of Scientology, the term Supreme Being can take on many different forms and meanings, depending on exact time, place, form and event.
    1. (for Body Routers): The Supreme Being sounds really religious-y, so we are super spiritual, come inside, you can trust us!
    2. (for Registrars): Hey, you're a Supreme Being, you can easily get your miracle powers back and pay these fuckin' MEST charge cards!
    3. (for Management): All of God's Commandments--to bankrupt and destroy critics, frame them for bomb threats so they go to federal prison, make them go insane, drive them to suicide and/or murder them--come from the heavens above (uplines where the Supreme Being Ron's Bluebird motorhome is located).
    4. (R-Factors to Clears not paying for their OT package): "Yeah, so you're Clear, congratulations blah blah blah or whatever. Listen! You are now in the "non-interference area" so you are in grave danger and going to die and lose your eternity unless you secure your OT package right now! I'm not making this shit up, it comes from the Supreme Being. No, dork, not Ron! The Supreme Being is the Supreme Rulah, Xenu, and he runs this shit--so you either pay to get rid of him or DIAWOF!" (Die in a Wall of Fire)

    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
  19. HelluvaHoax!

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    Definitions Du Jour:

    HUMANITARIAN: An ordinary person who has a certificate with the word "humanitarian" on it.​

    The state of CLEAR: An ordinary person with a certificate that has the word "Clear" on it.​

    The state of OT VII: An ordinary person with a certificate that has the words "OT VIII" on it.​

    The state of TOTAL FREEDOM: An ordinary person with a certificate that has the words "Total Freedom" on it.​

    SP: An ordinary person who has a certificate (i.e. declare) that has the word "SP" on it.​

    Ironically, remarkably and paradoxically, an SP is the only terminal in Scientology that attains an actual state---"Total Freedom.

    Total Freedom from cult lies, fraud, treachery, attacks, fair game, implants, suppression & rapacious regging---when they are declared and thereafter not allowed to associate or talk with any Scientologist. In that sense "disconnection" is the only Bridge service that is really worth paying for!

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  20. HelluvaHoax!

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    Reference: The hugely successful whistleblowing TV show that exposes the fraud, crimes and "anti-social" behavior of Scientology every single week. Leah Remini's award winning program: "SCIENTOLOGY - THE AFTERMATH".

    - - - - - -

    It's fascinating how a low-toned SP like Leah can have a hugely popular hit TV show on Scientology---but ALL THE HIGH TONED OTS IN THE WORLD COMBINED cannot have a hit TV show on Scientology. Or even an unsuccessful show on Scientology. . .

    The SPs are the banky ones, right?

    They are the total-effect ones, right?

    They are the un-able beings who can't make it go right- - -right? LOL

    Why then are people paying over a half million dollars to "handle
    their case", if the beings with the WORST cases (SPs) are far &
    away more causative, more successful & more OT?

    Last edited: Jan 15, 2019
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