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Vinaire's Story

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Vinaire, Jun 27, 2007.

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  1. Kilia

    Kilia Patron with Honors

    tamasin, I'm glad that I gave you a good idea of printing Vinaire's story out. Yes, it will help alot in understanding.

    As far as the his/her thing is...I'm a she. I'm also a Libra. :)
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2007
  2. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/7/03 2:45 PM]

    I arrived back at my room dead tired but elated. I flung my shoes into a corner and myself on the bed. “I am just going to take a breather,” I said to myself, “before I change my clothes and turn the light off. A strange drowsiness came over me. The events of the day were going through my mind. But in the background was the thought about that infinite space. I closed my eyes.

    I felt light and weightless as if I was detached from the body. I started to lose my sense of orientation. It felt as if I was churning inside my body… first slowly… and then faster. I couldn’t open my eyes. It was as if I was caught in a rapid current of water. I couldn’t help but be carried away. There was a strong sensation of motion. I had never felt this kind of a force before except, maybe, on a roller-coaster.

    I didn’t panic. This is one thing I had learnt from TR 0 (confronting drill of Scientology) and auditing. Just be there and confront. Don’t resist. Fully experience it. The way out is the way through.

    Then, suddenly, that feeling of rapid motion abated. It was like after coursing through a narrow tunnel at high speed I got spit out into a large chamber. I may still be moving just as fast, but the space around me was so large that I didn’t have that feeling of rapid motion. A feeling of absolute calm washed over me. I slowly looked around. It was like being in a very large chamber, only the dimensions of that chamber seemed to be infinitely large. It was neither dark nor light. It was like having a night sky full of distant bright stars all around you.

    I became aware of infinite space in front of me, infinite space behind me, infinite space on my left, infinite space on my right, and infinite space above me. Till now I had assumed that I was “standing” on something. But a sudden fear started to creep upon me. I didn’t want to look down because I was afraid what I would find. I forced myself to look down and then I caught my breath. There was infinite space below me. If I was falling I could not know. Neither gravity nor direction seemed to have any meaning in this situation. That’s when the panic hit me.

    “My God! I am out here in space all alone; I don’t know how far away I am from earth. I don’t even know the direction of earth from here. I am completely lost. What am I to do now? I have a quiz tomorrow at MIT. I must attend that quiz. I must maintain my 4.0 average. I must do something to get back. What can I do? What can I do?”

    I tried to calm myself down. “OK, just experience what is happening. Be there and confront. It is simply a phenomenon like any other phenomena you have gone through in your auditing. Ok, calm down. There has to be a way out of this dilemma.”

    As soon as I was able to regain some semblance of control, I just knew in which direction the earth was. Again, I was caught in the grip of that irresistible current. But this time it didn’t take long. I found myself back in my room looking down at my body lying on the bed. I heaved a sigh of relief.

    “Thank God! I am back… just a few feet more to my body and it would be all right.” I was still shaken up.

    Suddenly, another wave of panic hit me. I couldn’t move toward my body. I seemed to have stuck to the ceiling. “Oh! I shouldn’t have stopped to look at that magazine.” I admonished myself, “Look what mess you have gotten yourself into!”

    “But I could not have known that any of this would happen,” I told myself, “Just apply the formula that has gotten you so far. Don’t resist. Be there and confront. The way out is the way through. Be willing to experience anything.”

    As soon as decided to experience it I found myself descending toward my body slowly and slowly like a feather making its way through air. The moment I touched my body, I sat straight up in my bed.

    “Whew! That was a close one. What was this experience all about?” I looked at my watch. Only ten minutes had passed since I had entered the room. But it felt like an eternity.

    Even today the recall of this incident is as vivid as it can be.

  3. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    I just want to comment here that Aleister Crowley talks about encountering a similar scene but he went farther into it whereas I panicked.

    Crowley took mind altering drugs. I never did in this lifetime.

    I had similar experiences many times again later after leaving Sea Org, and I tried to be bolder but I never could fully overcome the feeling of vertigo, and the probability of getting totally lost. I always chickened out.

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/14/03 8:12 AM]

    I found out that what I had experienced was called exteriorization in Scientology. I had heard about "out of body" experiences, but now I had a first hand reality on it. I did not expect the experience to be so scary. I still did not understand what had happened. The experience brought home to me sharply that I was not my body, but I still didn't feel or think any different when I was out there in "space." I was still the same person subject to my thoughts and emotions. All that mental baggage was still there with me "outside" the body. Was that experience for real?

    That experience brought about a turning point in my auditing. I was put on a Scientology process called INT/EXT RD (Interiorization/Exteriorization Rundown). The idea was to handle any trauma associated with past experiences of "going in" and "moving out" of places and things. Such trauma is obviously associated with the experience of DEATH when one is forced out of a non-functional body. A similar trauma may also be associated little before BIRTH when one is "sucked into" a fetus.

    INT/EXT RD was an interesting process. I recalled incidents as a teenager when I was growing up in this little town in India. One time I went to a movie with some friends of mine. We were five of us. After the movie we were riding on our bicycles back toward home. It was night and quite dark. The street lights were few and far in between. We passed through a section of the road which was so dark that one couldn't even see the hand in front of one's face. It was a narrow road and we were riding five abreast. Lights were far in the distance. We were chatting and laughing. I remember being right in the middle of all the riders. We were swerving into each other. I could feel the handle of my bicycle touch the handles of my friends' bicycles on either side. But we never got entangled into each other. There was a strange feeling which a bird might have flying in a flock. The flock moves as one entity. While riding through that dark stretch of road the five of us were moving as one entity. I do not know if my friends were aware of it. But that awareness is still very sharp in my mind.

  4. Kilia

    Kilia Patron with Honors

    Thank you for continuing with your story, Vinaire.
    Still printing....:)
  5. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    I realize this is your story, but this has prompted me to share an experience I had after completeing the FPRD basic list.

    The auditing was big blowouts, but definately was happy that stuff was being confronted and as-ised. 3 days later, in the early morning theta window of sleep.....I was out. Exterior. Not just from my body...from the entire physical universe. THIS was axiom 1! No mass, no wavelength, no location in space or time, but the ability to postulate and percieve.

    So I decided to "comm" with some one.

    In a time of "no time" I felt something tug at me, and reluctantly moved back into the time stream, and back into the body. Time to head to post.

    Later that day, I saw the person I had "commed" with while ext. I mentioned that I "had a dream" about them....nothing. No read, no recognition, nothing.
    I thought "oh well, the physical universe is a comm lag" and went about my business.

    3 days later I arrive for post, and there is a stack of messages from this person, one every 15 minutes for the past 3 I call them.
    They say "this dream you had, when was it?"
    I reply "It's hard to put it in terms of time but probably 8:30 am or so...why?"
    They reply "I was driving to work, stuck in traffic, when a huge amount of theta arrived in my space...I knew it was coming from some where, but
    I had no idea of where...."

    At this point I had to explain the real deal........

    So yes, it is an experience like no other, and one you will never forget.
  6. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    Well there ya go - scientifically verified.

    Scn Ext Exists!
  7. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    Thank you, Div 6. That was neat.

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/14/03 12:44 PM]

    I recalled another incident of "exteriorization" from my childhood. I was about 10 years old then.

    We lived in a huge mansion built by my grandfather 20 years earlier. We lived in the upper portion of this mansion. The larger lower portion was divided into two symmetrical parts where my father's two elder brothers lived with their families. My grandmother lived with us. My grandfather had passed away before I was born in 1946.

    This mansion had a grassy lawn in front. A path from the front of the mansion circled around the lawn on both sides and then met at the far end. It then went straight out to an iron gate 100 yards away. There were two smaller mansions on either side of that wide straight path. These additional buildings were also a part of the same property. They were rented out. This big residential compound had many servant quarters where the servants lived with their families. My brother and sisters, our cousins, and the servant's children made a large playful group where we hardly knew the difference in status. We played on the lawn, fought at times, and then made up, as children often do.

    At the time, when this particular incident took place, the winter had just ended and the days were getting longer. The evenings were beautiful. The air used to be full of all kind of fragrances from flowers. We just couldn't wait to get out of the house and play on the lawn. There was lot of energy. We used to run and play till it was well after dark. A favorite game was called "Pum-pum-padi-ki-deel-dilo." It was an Indian version of "I spy you." A person was elected to go and touch the Iron Gate. During this period everyone else used to hide. When that person returned his job was to discover everyone's hiding place, while others tried to touch his back without being discovered. There were lots of hiding places behind the bushes and trees and in the portico and verandah in front of the building.

    This one evening it was my turn to go and touch the Iron Gate. I started to run. It was pitch dark around me. I reached the gate and then turned around. The mansion loomed in the distance with a tube light burning in the portico brightening up part of the lawn in front of it, and creating many long dark shadows in the verandah. To my little body, all the trees, bushes and buildings appeared huge. I felt elated and full of energy. I ran back as fast as my little feet could carry me.

    The wind brushed past my cheeks. I couldn't see my feet in the dark, but I felt that they were far below me. I felt very tall. My body seemed to be happily running underneath me. I felt very relaxed. I found myself not exerting at all. "Hey, I am having a nice ride here sitting on top of this body." This thought flicked through my head.

    Then I was back at the lawn in the thick of the game.

  8. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/14/03 2:18 PM]

    My INT/EXT RD sessions were going quite well. I was getting much better reality on the subject of exteriorization. It was easy to recall incidents that did not contain much pain. I was running out of them. I had now to confront incidents that were painful.

    I have a clear recall of this incident when I was about 9 years old. I was a sickly child. At this young age I had already suffered through cholera, influenza, and typhoid. India was not so hygienic. But then one just took it in one's stride. My father was a general physician. He had established a small nursing home in one of those two smaller mansions I mentioned earlier. He took care of me whenever I was sick.

    The summer of 1955 was just ending. The monsoon rains were coming down hard. The rains continued day after day for weeks unabated. I was instructed by my mother not to go out and get myself wet in the rain. Most of the time I obeyed, but this one time I didn't. It was too tempting to just sit at home and watch other kids running around outside in the rain. I ran out and joined them. Ah! it was a riot. It was so much fun. My clothes were soaked through and through. But we kept running and dancing in the rain that poured down hard from those dark monsoon clouds full of lightening and thunder.

    I got a good scolding when I came back in. I changed my clothes, had dinner, and went up to the "penthouse" on the, otherwise, open roof where the beds were placed at this time of the year. All the children slept there. This room had a door and two large, screened windows on each of the four sides. The awnings above the door and windows protected us from the rain water. The frequent lightening and thunder appeared to be much closer and frightening though. Moisture laden, cool drafts coursed through the room. There were thick quilts on the bed.

    As soon as I went up, I felt cold and queasy. So I dived into my bed. Everybody else was downstairs. But my old servant had followed me to tuck me in the bed as usual. He used to tell me stories which you may recognize as Aesop’s fables. Listening to those stories I used to go to sleep. But that night I felt awfully cold. I didn't feel like gazing out the windows at the rain and lightening, or listening to the stories. I asked my servant to put more quilts over my body.

    I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness. One time I heard a lot of anxious voices around me. My father and mother were there too. There were five or six quilts piled on top of my body. My grandmother, brother, sisters and others were all there around my bed. Then I lost track of what was going around me. It was a long uneasy sleep. When the night was over I didn't seem to wake up. I found myself floating in some kind of haziness. It was getting brighter around me. I kept rising up through that haziness, until I popped out above the clouds.

  9. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/14/03 2:21 PM]

    That was an entirely new sight to me. I had no idea what it was like being in and above the clouds. But I was there. It didn't seem to bother me. It was all dreamlike. I soon found that I could propel myself simply by thinking. It was fun. It was a new freedom. I soon was zipping around among the clouds. At times the sensations were very clear but at other times I seem to drift back into a kind of queasy sleepiness. This went on for quite some time.

    Finally, I opened my eyes. I was in a hospital bed in my father's nursing home. There was fluid being supplied to my body intravenously. I felt very weak. It was hard to even turn my head. It was a bright morning. The rain seemed to have stopped long ago. The sun was filtering through the windows. The nurse saw me open my eyes. She ran out to call my father. Soon everybody was there. I could not talk. I was still drifting in and out of a sleeplike state. My mother seemed to be asking me some questions anxiously. My brother and sisters seemed to be just standing there and staring at me curiously. My father was busy preparing injections to pump into my body.

    It was sometime before I came around fully. I then discovered that I had been totally out a night, a whole day and then another night. My body temperature had gone as high as 108 degrees. Everybody was just holding their breath to see if I was ever going to come out of it. They were thankful that I did.

    I was thankful that nobody scolded me.

  10. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 6/15/03 8:35 AM]

    I believe that the purpose of INT/EXT RD is to bring an individual to a realization of what one truly is in relation to the body and to the MEST universe. This realization comes in gradients. As this realization occurs, one’s dependence on the body, and on the MEST universe, reduces to that degree.

    Probably, the first gradient here is to remove the charge associated with “going in” and “moving out” of spaces and objects. One may extend it later to “going in” and “moving out” of time streams too, but that is only a speculation on my part. Maybe one is handling that already by moving up and down the Time Track.

    By removing charge from incidents of “going in” and “moving out” (such as those few described in the last few posts) I felt quite comfortable with exteriorization and interiorization but it was some time before I could really assimilate the true understanding of it. What was it that was exteriorizing and interiorizing? How did it relate to Scientology Axiom # 1? Who am I?

    I am not a thing. I am not what I create. I am not this MATTER or ENERGY. I am not even this TIME or SPACE. I am not even the postulates or considerations of these things. Am I not THAT which is putting out these postulates and considerations in the first place?

    I am not something that comes out of the body at the time of exteriorization. I am not something that can be picked out from the head with forceps. What the hell is going on then at the moment of exteriorization?

    Then all of a sudden it dawned on me that I AM LOCATED WHERE I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE LOCATED. The visual perceptions from the eyes seem to be focused behind the eyes near the center of the head. Similarly, the audio perceptions from the ears are also focused near the center of the head. The entire nerve channels in the body seem to be unloading their perceptions near about the same location in the head. And if I am not considering it consciously then I am probably assuming that I am located in the center of my head.

    So, it is just my consideration that I am located at the center of head!!! Flick… something happened. My viewpoint suddenly expanded incredibly. I had completed the INT/EXT RD.

    But, that was only the first gradient of an incredible realization. I am now jumping ahead of the story but I think this is the appropriate place to mention the following.

    Years later (in 1992), I was taking a walk all alone and just musing to myself. I had been out of Sea Org since 1983. I was completely off the official Scientology lines since that moment too. But I had been off and on studying two books… SCIENTOLOGY 8-8008 and THE PHOENIX LECTURES. These books contained fascinating material.

    So, I was taking a walk. Suddenly, this thought came to my mind, “OK, so I am not considering myself to be inside my head… so where am I considering myself to be then? Am I not assuming myself to be within the physical universe?”

    Flick… something happened. I went into an uncontrollable laughter. I am glad nobody was there to watch me. They would have thought that I had gone crazy.

    At that moment I knew that I had now completed the INT/EXT RD for real.

  11. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 8/14/03 8:13 AM]

    Oh! Heck!!I have been holding myself back from relating this experience up until now, but I may as well get over it. This was the icing on the cake. After this experience I knew that I was out of the woods. The medical predicament of "I have only two more years to live" did not bother me anymore.

    It was the fall of 1970. I was in the second year of my post graduate studies at MIT, Cambridge. I had done well in my studies as far as the grades were concerned. My Teaching Assistantship was renewed. I felt much more comfortable compared to a year and a half ago when I had first arrived at MIT from India. I thought less of back home. I was now more interested in future.

    As far as my auditing was concerned I was back on Dianetics (R3R) running the chain on “pain in the back.” I had already gone through the surprise of the birth engram which had established my reality on the power of this process. I found the idea of TIME TRACK fascinating. I was asking my mind to give me incidents from the prenatal period. I was running incidents from that period but I was not sure if they were real incidents. I could have been dreaming them up. I ran them anyway. There seemed to be some somatics accompanying those recalls, but no real “fireworks.” It was more like a period of searching, searching and searching… always trying to find something earlier and earlier toward the direction of the “sperm dream” as I had read in the book on Dianetics. The idea of past lives was too remote during those sessions. It was not there in my mind.

    Then all of a sudden something happened. My neck went out of my control. My head jerked backwards and seemed to get stuck there for a moment. Then it jerked forward. That took me completely by surprise. There were no pictures of any kind of recall.

    The auditor sent me back through the incident again. By now I had learnt not to force my mind to look or imagine. I waited patiently to see what developed. I felt I was outside my head calmly looking at the developments. The auditor asked me to locate this incident on the time track. I had learned not to second guess whatever the mind gave me even when it seemed outrageous. I patiently related the impressions that came to me.

    The incident appeared to be in some arid region… it was all brown as far as I could see… felt like sand blowing all around me… yes, it was a desert… couldn’t place it on the time track very well yet… I appeared to be chained… there were other people… we all were connected to each other by chain… captives? A chain gang?... we were made to march… I was stumbling forward…this can’t be an incident from this life time… where am I getting these impressions from? They are so real…How far back does it seem? A few centuries ago? A bit more recent…FLASH!!! My whole body jerked… a searing bolt of electricity seemed to pass through my spine… It seemed like an explosion in the center of my body… a heavy, tingling sensation ran outward through my hands and feet… I had a distinct impression that if I touched something metallic there would be sparks coming out of my fingers and toes.

    When it was all over, a sudden calm descended over me. I opened my eyes. I savored the present time. All the sensations were crisp and clear. I had never been so much in the present time before. I just sat there. I was back.

  12. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    This is the last post on my story from 2002-2003...

    [Previously posted on Beliefnet 8/14/03 8:28 AM]

    Well, I think I have finally completed this initial phase of my inquiries into Scientology.

    That next summer (1971) a Sea Org recruitment tour passed through Boston. Sea Org appeared to offer quite an opportunity for romantic adventures. It excited my imagination. So, as soon as I graduated from MIT, I signed the Sea Org contract at the Boston Org.

    I month later I found myself on the Sea Org sub chaser, Bolivar, in the Los Angeles harbor, learning to be an able-bodied seaman.

    A new chapter had started...

  13. Bea Kiddo

    Bea Kiddo Crusader


    I have just read your story today. Fascinating. Your writing ability is also incredible. Keeps one captivated. Please, I am on the edge of my seat for the next installment!!!

    My mom wanted to join the Sea org on the Ship in Nov 75 but she couldn't because I was still too young (I was 3 and my brother was 5).
  14. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    Nowdays they'd just have her dump the kids on whichever relative or next-door neighbor or casual acquaintance was handy :(

  15. Alanzo

    Alanzo Bardo Tulpa

    You really do write well, Vinaire.

    Is English your second language?
  16. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    Yes, English is my second language. But now I have spent more years in USA than the years I spent in India. This means that I have been speaking English much longer than I spoke in my native tongue (Hindi).

    After arriving in USA in 1969, the first time I went back to India was in 1981 (I was in Sea Org at that time and I took a leave). I thought I could just start speaking Hindi again, but I was surprised to find myself speaking Hindi with an American accent. Of course, it was quite amusing to my family and they laughed quite a bit. But it didn't take long before I got readjusted.

    Anyway, I haven't quite gotten around to thinking of my life in Sea Org well enough to document it. My general impression of that 12 year period may be expressed as an adventure.

    In fact, my whole acquaintance with the American culture was an adventure. It was intensified in the Sea Org as I was the only Indian there with a totally unique viewpoint that was generally out of place. If one viewed me as a wide-eyed virgin they were probably not too far off in their estimation.

    The out-2D that I observed in Sea Org was really amusing to me. From that aspect also I was a virgin. Of course, I wanted to experience a 2D relationship, but my terms were very different from those around me.

    Obviously, I got picked up for the QM duty during the New Years party on Bolivar when 1972 was about to start. I remember being up at the bridge all alone keeping a watchful eye at all the rigging while listening to the raucous laughter coming from below. Somewhere at the back of my mind there was a desire for sexual experience.

    Suddenly that desire manifested itself in full force when this young teen age girl walked up on the bridge. She was half drunk. She just came and snuggled against me. I was panic stricken. My conditioning told me to be careful. We two were alone for 5 minutes or so. My heart was pounding. I held her gently.

    Suddenly, this brute of a guy (an American) came up. He saw the girl snuggling against me. I could read his mind. He didn't think that I was man enough for this American girl. I didn't deserve her affection. He said roughly, "Can I have her?" and pulled her away from me. I said, "OK."

    "Oh, well! those were nice five minutes." I kind of felt bad for that girl. I didn't think she was going to be treated nicely by that guy.

    I went back to my job of watching the lines, meditating over the gleeful laughter coming from below.

  17. svonhatten

    svonhatten Patron with Honors

    That's amazing. ;) And you're site is spectacular. Very insightful. One of the few I have bookmarked. :D
  18. tookmeawhile

    tookmeawhile Patron with Honors

    Hi Vinaire,

    I saw this link from another thread (I love Scientology).

    Wow; I never saw your story before - how neat! I love it! I just read all of it.

    From where you left off, you never did mention what happened to your back/illness. You seemed to imply it was gone from the chain gang incident. Did I miss something or is there more to that thread?

    I added this quote from an earlier post of yours in this thread. That's how I viewed Scientology most of the time - until the last few years. I really did filter a lot of the bad out.

    Thanks for writing your story - so cool!
  19. Axiom142

    Axiom142 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Yeah Vinny,

    When are you going to finish this?

    I knew I was hung up on something - it was this.

    Get writing!

    Please. :)

  20. Pixie

    Pixie Crusader

    This story is incredible, and has completely blown me away. :hug:

    Thank you for sharing it with us. :yes: