2017 SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTIONS -- You heard it here first!

[HelluvaHoax!]

..

THE ANNUAL PREDICTION THREAD

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Hey, it's time for a yearly tradition, the annual what-the-hell is going to happen to the freaky cult of Scientology in 2017.

There have been many wonderful and uncannily accurate prognostications in previous years--some brilliant, prescient or hilarious.

As always, here's da rules:

RULES

1. All PREDICTIONS have to posted by Jan 30th [STRIKE]2011[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]2012[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]2013[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]2014[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]2015[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]2016[/STRIKE] 2017.

2. No fair editing your predictions once you post them. (Damn, there could be some crazy-ass scamming if people are re-writing the predictions AFTER something happens! LOL)

3. End of the year, a WINNER and RUNNER UP WINNER is announced based on the most alarmingly accurate prediction that actually came true.

4. Award also given for the worst freakin prediction that nearly everyone KNEW was never gonna happen in the first place.

5. Contestants are not allowed to consult with OT's to get answers. (that's cheating)

6. You can make as many predictions as you want but you can't give 2 opposing predictions like Ron would so that you are always right.

​

For fun, here are the threads for the past years. I couldn't find the 2012 Predictions thread (whoa, nobody predicted that would happen).

2011 PREDICTIONS

2012 PREDICTIONS

2013 PREDICTIONS

2014 PREDICTIONS

2015 PREDICTIONS

2016 PREDICTIONS


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So, use all your hard won and certified supernatural psychic powers!

SPECIAL RULE CHANGE FOR 2017: If you make a bogus prediction about a Scientology event that never happens in the MEST universe in 2017, you still get to keep your OT status and impressive advanced certificates---provided that:

a) You still feel good about the prediction.

b) Your prediction is real to you, because you consider it did happen in your universe on the first dynamic.

c) Planetary clearing (of Hubbard's hoax) becomes a reality on this planet. ​

 

[WildKat]

Why Jan 30? A big event in Scn could happen on Jan 29, then I could "predict" it on the 30th, and I would still have made the 2017 Accurate Predictions List. :confused2:

Shouldn't the deadline for predictions for the whole year of 2017 end on Dec 31?

 

[JustSheila]

Thanks, Hoaxie!

This is always such a treat every year!

For my first prediction, I predict you will find the 2012 Predictions at the end of the 2011 Predictions thread!

For 2017, I predict that:

1) HBO will create a new blockbuster television series of daily cult life in the SEA ORG
2) Tom Cruise has been found to be secretly receiving electric shocks for depression and is DECLARED AN ILLEGAL PC
3) David Miscavige gets arrested for Drunk and Disorderly Conduct and his mug shot is all over the net
4) Heber and the other execs have a big prison breakout from Int and it is added to the new HBO SEA ORG series!

 

[Dave B.]

Miscavige will continue to morph into a perfect duplicate of Liberace.

 

[Type4_PTS]

1) Leah Remini continues to get great ratings from her current show on the A&E Network. More and more, people start blowing up the phone lines of their representatives in congress, the IRS, and demanding that something be done about this criminally abusive organization.

2) A celebrity ex-scientologist who has never spoken out publicly before approaches Leah and requests to be interviewed for her show. (A&E Network will extend this show, agreeing to another season).

3) The SP Times (AKA Tampa Bay Times) publishes another blockbuster series on Scientology which they are awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

4) Lee Baca is sentenced to prison and becomes the national director of Criminon.

5) John Travolta will still be "Not Interested" in the additional steady stream of abuse and criminality that is exposed concerning the CoS.

 

[Free Being Me]

1) $cientology has its religious cloaking status revoked in the U.S.
2) Helluvahoax writes the musical breakout Broadway comedy hit, HOAX!, lampooning $cientology.
3) HBO presents another $cientology documentary focusing on the abuses and criminal acts of the cult.
4) ITYIWT is bestowed with honorary moderator powers for a day. Terril mysteriously disappears the same day never to be seen again.
5) The U.S. government passes anti-cult legislation effectively putting $cientology and other cults out of business.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

..

Why Jan 30? A big event in Scn could happen on Jan 29, then I could "predict" it on the 30th, and I would still have made the 2017 Accurate Predictions List. :confused2:

Shouldn't the deadline for predictions for the whole year of 2017 end on Dec 31?

Yeah, that would kinda violate the principal of the word PRE-diction, wouldn't it?

Ideally, you are right, the cutoff date should be 12/31/16 (at 23:59:59). But, many staff members here on ESMB already have signed approvals for holiday vacation time.

Damn! I KNEW I shouldn't have signed those flakey, dilettante CSWs!!! lol

 

[I told you I was trouble]

But, but, but ... Who won the previous years HH?

I want to see a winners list!

Is this a genuine competition or wot?




:confused2:​

 

[Little David]

I predict this guy is LRH returned in a new body:

LRH standing in front of the Shrine Auditorium last night.

Photos are in the comments on Tony Ortega's blog today: http://tonyortega.org/2016/12/18/oh-look-scientology-started-a-blog-and-it-already-won-an-award/

 

[WildKat]

I predict Marty will continue to sling arrows at bitter apostates, accusing them of "pity parties."

I predict Mike R will continue to be a stand-up guy who helps more people escape the cult.

I predict Leah R will continue to be a darling celeb lady who stands up to bullies.

And I also predict another new celeb will do the right thing and come out into the light. (I just wish I knew who it is, damn! OT powerz not what they used to be!)

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

..

But, but, but ... Who won the previous years HH?

I want to see a winners list!

Is this a genuine competition or wot?




:confused2:​

LOL, of course this is a genuine competition!

We just are very mindful of security issues and thus maintain the ANNUAL WINNER DATA uplines at ESMB International Headquarters (aboard an ever-moving underwater submarine), where it cannot fall into the hands of our enemies.

 

[lotus]

What are the prizes given to winners
Who are the members of the jury please ?????

 

[DoneDeal]

Yeah. How many Ding points do we get?

 

[F.Bullbait]

I reviewed last year's.

I predicted President Trump (shame on me).

Xenu got out and is in the attic; plotting revenge. (The wife thinks it's just a possum but hey!!!...it's my universe; don't butt in!)

And I think someone DID read DMSMH.

So...bully for me!

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

What are the prizes given to winners
Who are the members of the jury please ?????

I am happy someone asked that!

Well, we still have 13 more days to close out 2016, so we need to pick the jury members carefully. I would be very pleased if you and ITYIWT and any other qualified terminals do the judging for the following category:

2016 KNOWING HOW TO KNOW
SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTION
GRAND PRIZE

​

I am not at liberty to say yet what the Grand Prize will be, but let me just state that I guarantee it will be huge and very possibly orders of magnitude beyond your wildest dreams.

 

[WildKat]

I am not at liberty to say yet what the Grand Prize will be, but let me just state that I guarantee it will be huge and very possibly orders of magnitude beyond your wildest dreams.

Will it be...

....a "major award"?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=v_TzzcjRHWo

 

[Leland]

Well, lets see.

In the past, Tom Cruise failed to get Will Smith into the Cult.

Tom failed to get David Beckham into the Cult...

Tom failed to get Jamie Fox into the Cult.... ( in fact Jamie ran off with his ex-wife )

( There are rumors that Katie and Suri caught Tom Cruise and one of the Beckhams in bed together...the rumors don't say which one...so that wasn't good either. )

So....prediction for 2017?

Tom will continue to fail to get anyone into the Cult.....though he will try.

Tom will be sent to the Hole...at Int Base. He will be made to stand in a trash can....and clean the bathroom floors with a tooth brush. He will have a sign hung around his neck that reads: Kick me.

 

[lotus]

I am happy someone asked that!

Well, we still have 13 more days to close out 2016, so we need to pick the jury members carefully. I would be very pleased if you and ITYIWT and any other qualified terminals do the judging for the following category:

​

Oh!

well, since you really really really insist to have bitter apostates members of the jury, I will be so honored to participate.

LOL
​

2016 KNOWING HOW TO KNOW
SCIENTOLOGY PREDICTION
GRAND PRIZE

I am not at liberty to say yet what the Grand Prize will be, but let me just state that I guarantee it will be huge and very possibly orders of magnitude beyond your wildest dreams.

Are you aware how this may be painful for a woman ..the waiting...the unknowingness...
I have something specific in my mind.. beyond my wildest dreams..
but I don't believe you'll make it happen
LOL

Anyhow, I'll stay tuned, since grand prize info will be provided to the winner in due time

 

[NoName]

Hoaxie, I need your 2017 predictions for my in friend.

Last year I think you predicted a UTR situation. Well, he recently tossed out the Basics but appears to be hanging on to Battlefield Earth? What the fuck?

Also I recently asked him "who the fuck is this Leah chick?" (I don't own a television but have some guilty pleasures involving tabloids in the checkout lane). He seemed genuinely interested in the entheta I was putting on his lines. I'm extremely confused.

 

[Type4_PTS]

But, but, but ... Who won the previous years HH?

I want to see a winners list!

Is this a genuine competition or wot?




:confused2:​

..


LOL, of course this is a genuine competition!

We just are very mindful of security issues and thus maintain the ANNUAL WINNER DATA uplines at ESMB International Headquarters (aboard an ever-moving underwater submarine), where it cannot fall into the hands of our enemies.

​

^^^^^^^

ITYIWT, I think this response you got was a polite way of saying "You don't have the F---ing rank to ask those questions!"