I will attempt to try and explain some of my experiences while I was involved in Scientology. The things I endured, and emotions I felt were very strong, and very painful. I just want to try and put it all in perspective, if nothing else, for myself.
I was reading some information today on trauma, different kinds, and how it affects people. I found it very interesting, therefor I will re-post sections of what I read, and make comparisons to how I felt while involved with Scientology.
And a little background on me, I am 26, was born into a Scientology family, both my parents were in the Sea Org, I joined when I was 13, and wanted out when I was 18. Not as easy as it sounds.
Alright how do we define trauma? This was a good explanation:
What is emotional or psychological trauma?
Trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling frightened and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. Experiences involving betrayal, verbal abuse, or any major loss can be just as traumatizing as a life-threatening catastrophe, especially when they happen during childhood.
Whether the threat is physical or psychological, trauma results when an experience is so overwhelming that you freeze, go numb, or disconnect from what’s happening. While this automatic response protects you from the terror you feel, it also prevents you from moving on. Despite being cut off from your trauma-related feelings, you can’t escape them completely. They remain outside of conscious awareness in all their original intensity, influencing the way you see the world, react to everyday situations, and relate to others.
________________________
To me that was a wonderful explanation, because although I was not beaten or physically assaulted, I felt completely at the mercy of others when I was in Scientology. My first traumatic experience was when I was 15, when they kicked my father out. I was told I could no longer speak to him again. I've always felt guilt for feeling closer to my dad than my mom, especially since she died a year after he was kicked out. My dad always had the role of caregiver, he made me feel strong and safe. My mom on the other hand was very strict, and in all honesty I never felt I could have an open and honest conversation with her. My dad left the Sea Org when I was four, and my mom stayed in, that may have been the reason for my lack of closeness with her. My dad on the other hand was there every weekend to pick up my friends and I. We would watch movies, laugh, and just be kids, it was wonderful. My dad was in-charge of our school dances, he was very passionate about music, and so was I. He was the one person in this world I truly loved, and felt would always be there for me. When I was told I could no longer talk to him, I was devastated, I cried and cried. I remember attending the IAS event the very next day, and being so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't sit through the event. They kept speaking about "SPs" during the event, and now that my dad was one of them, any mention of them made me break into tears. I had to leave the event and take a walk to stop myself from crying.
So that was my first traumatic experience in Scientology. It still affects me to this day. I started crying while I was typing this, it brings back such strong memories, even now.
Here's another good excerpt from the same document above:
Attachment or developmental trauma
Stressful experiences in childhood—whether a one-time event such as a car accident or an ongoing situation caused by an unavailable or abusive parent—can be traumatizing. Childhood trauma, known as attachment or developmental trauma, results from anything that disrupts a child’s sense of safety and security. This includes such things as an unstable or unsafe environment, separation from a parent, or a serious illness. Attachment trauma is most severe, however, when it involves betrayal or harm at the hands of a caregiver.
Attachment trauma has a negative impact on a child’s physical, emotional, cognitive, and social development. Children who have been traumatized see the world as a frightening and dangerous place. When childhood trauma is not resolved, this fundamental sense of fear and helplessness can carry over into adulthood, setting the stage for further trauma
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I want to talk more about "betrayal or harm at the hands of a caregiver". That was very interesting to me, because that is exactly how I felt when I wanted to leave Scientology. I was basically raised by Scientologists, I went to a Scientology boarding school. I rarely saw my mom, and saw my dad once or twice a week, but the majority of my time was spent under the supervision of Scientologists. I grew to love and respect these people as my own family. I knew what was right and what was wrong based on what they told me. I learned from them, and they made me feel safe and loved. When I joined the Sea Org I still felt an attachment to my teachers and school mates, a close bond bound by Scientology and my belief in it. When I eventually left Scientology not one of the people that I had looked up to for so long were willing to speak to me. These people were like family to me, and not even one would say hello. When I left, I was sent to New Mexico, where I knew no one. My whole life I was around people in Scientology, now that I was out I had no security, no one I could trust, and no one to talk to. I felt abandoned in allot of ways. I was 21 when I left.
When I was 17 I married a boy I was in love with. He was separated from me, and I was refused communication from him when he wanted to leave Scientology. That was the next major earth-shattering trauma I experienced. If you have ever been in love and know what that feels like, that is exactly how I felt towards him. I was young and my emotions were very strong. When he left without permission, and did not return for a day, my mind was a blur, I do not remember being able to feel or hear or even see clearly, I was devastated. I didn't even know if he was returning. He did, and the security staff brought him back to be put on the "RPF". I was still not allowed any contact with him. I know now that my emotions were stronger than his, and that I loved him much more than he loved me. I know that now, but back then I was left in total doubt and uncertainty about our relationship, because no one would let me see or speak to him. He was the reason I decided to leave the Sea Org, I wanted to be with him again. When he left I was not told, a friend of mine had to sneak me that information. I had to endure that same pain and uncertainty for seven years, because I was not allowed to speak to him. I never was fully able to let go because of that. It took me four years to just be able talk to him again, not because he didn't want to, or because I didn't want to, but because we weren't allowed to. I gave up everyone I knew in Scientology to have a chance to be with him again.
Here's a list that shows how much my past traumatic experiences affects me to this day.
Is Emotional Trauma a Factor in Your Life?
Respond yes or no to the following to determine if you might be living with the aftermath of a traumatic event:
Can you stand to be alone without turning on your cell phone, computer, or TV? No.
Do you rely on coffee, cigarettes, or alcohol to lift and/or calm you? No
Are you plagued by physical conditions for which there appear to be no cures? Not sure, I'm about to see a doctor.
Do you “lose it” with certain people or in certain situations? Yes
Do you avoid things you wish you could do? Yes
Do you have to be accomplishing something in order to feel good? Yes
Do you frequently behave in ways that you regret? Yes
Do you suffer from mysterious ailments that come and go? Yes
Do you find it impossible to focus on some things for more than a time? Yes
Is it hard for you to trust people? Yes
Do you feel depressed or anxious although you have tried conventional treatments? Yes
Is it difficult for you to commit to a relationship? No, but I also don't let myself look very hard either.
I'm just trying to understand why life today is so hard for me. I know I still need more answers, but I feel without Scientology I would have been allot better off. My life is just so difficult. I battle insomnia daily. I go through life feeling less than able, partly because I have so many issues mentally, but also because my health is failing me. My hair has been falling out for years, my skin looks horrible, I don't heal quickly and just have so many physical problems it makes it very hard for me to enjoy life. Holding down a job is difficult because I can't sleep, than I mentally loose it, and things just get worse.
I'm not trying to whine or moan about all my misfortunes, I'm just trying to understand and really look at why things are just not getting better for me
I was reading some information today on trauma, different kinds, and how it affects people. I found it very interesting, therefor I will re-post sections of what I read, and make comparisons to how I felt while involved with Scientology.
And a little background on me, I am 26, was born into a Scientology family, both my parents were in the Sea Org, I joined when I was 13, and wanted out when I was 18. Not as easy as it sounds.
Alright how do we define trauma? This was a good explanation:
What is emotional or psychological trauma?
Trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling frightened and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. Experiences involving betrayal, verbal abuse, or any major loss can be just as traumatizing as a life-threatening catastrophe, especially when they happen during childhood.
Whether the threat is physical or psychological, trauma results when an experience is so overwhelming that you freeze, go numb, or disconnect from what’s happening. While this automatic response protects you from the terror you feel, it also prevents you from moving on. Despite being cut off from your trauma-related feelings, you can’t escape them completely. They remain outside of conscious awareness in all their original intensity, influencing the way you see the world, react to everyday situations, and relate to others.
________________________
To me that was a wonderful explanation, because although I was not beaten or physically assaulted, I felt completely at the mercy of others when I was in Scientology. My first traumatic experience was when I was 15, when they kicked my father out. I was told I could no longer speak to him again. I've always felt guilt for feeling closer to my dad than my mom, especially since she died a year after he was kicked out. My dad always had the role of caregiver, he made me feel strong and safe. My mom on the other hand was very strict, and in all honesty I never felt I could have an open and honest conversation with her. My dad left the Sea Org when I was four, and my mom stayed in, that may have been the reason for my lack of closeness with her. My dad on the other hand was there every weekend to pick up my friends and I. We would watch movies, laugh, and just be kids, it was wonderful. My dad was in-charge of our school dances, he was very passionate about music, and so was I. He was the one person in this world I truly loved, and felt would always be there for me. When I was told I could no longer talk to him, I was devastated, I cried and cried. I remember attending the IAS event the very next day, and being so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't sit through the event. They kept speaking about "SPs" during the event, and now that my dad was one of them, any mention of them made me break into tears. I had to leave the event and take a walk to stop myself from crying.
So that was my first traumatic experience in Scientology. It still affects me to this day. I started crying while I was typing this, it brings back such strong memories, even now.
Here's another good excerpt from the same document above:
Attachment or developmental trauma
Stressful experiences in childhood—whether a one-time event such as a car accident or an ongoing situation caused by an unavailable or abusive parent—can be traumatizing. Childhood trauma, known as attachment or developmental trauma, results from anything that disrupts a child’s sense of safety and security. This includes such things as an unstable or unsafe environment, separation from a parent, or a serious illness. Attachment trauma is most severe, however, when it involves betrayal or harm at the hands of a caregiver.
Attachment trauma has a negative impact on a child’s physical, emotional, cognitive, and social development. Children who have been traumatized see the world as a frightening and dangerous place. When childhood trauma is not resolved, this fundamental sense of fear and helplessness can carry over into adulthood, setting the stage for further trauma
------------------------------------
I want to talk more about "betrayal or harm at the hands of a caregiver". That was very interesting to me, because that is exactly how I felt when I wanted to leave Scientology. I was basically raised by Scientologists, I went to a Scientology boarding school. I rarely saw my mom, and saw my dad once or twice a week, but the majority of my time was spent under the supervision of Scientologists. I grew to love and respect these people as my own family. I knew what was right and what was wrong based on what they told me. I learned from them, and they made me feel safe and loved. When I joined the Sea Org I still felt an attachment to my teachers and school mates, a close bond bound by Scientology and my belief in it. When I eventually left Scientology not one of the people that I had looked up to for so long were willing to speak to me. These people were like family to me, and not even one would say hello. When I left, I was sent to New Mexico, where I knew no one. My whole life I was around people in Scientology, now that I was out I had no security, no one I could trust, and no one to talk to. I felt abandoned in allot of ways. I was 21 when I left.
When I was 17 I married a boy I was in love with. He was separated from me, and I was refused communication from him when he wanted to leave Scientology. That was the next major earth-shattering trauma I experienced. If you have ever been in love and know what that feels like, that is exactly how I felt towards him. I was young and my emotions were very strong. When he left without permission, and did not return for a day, my mind was a blur, I do not remember being able to feel or hear or even see clearly, I was devastated. I didn't even know if he was returning. He did, and the security staff brought him back to be put on the "RPF". I was still not allowed any contact with him. I know now that my emotions were stronger than his, and that I loved him much more than he loved me. I know that now, but back then I was left in total doubt and uncertainty about our relationship, because no one would let me see or speak to him. He was the reason I decided to leave the Sea Org, I wanted to be with him again. When he left I was not told, a friend of mine had to sneak me that information. I had to endure that same pain and uncertainty for seven years, because I was not allowed to speak to him. I never was fully able to let go because of that. It took me four years to just be able talk to him again, not because he didn't want to, or because I didn't want to, but because we weren't allowed to. I gave up everyone I knew in Scientology to have a chance to be with him again.
Here's a list that shows how much my past traumatic experiences affects me to this day.
Is Emotional Trauma a Factor in Your Life?
Respond yes or no to the following to determine if you might be living with the aftermath of a traumatic event:
Can you stand to be alone without turning on your cell phone, computer, or TV? No.
Do you rely on coffee, cigarettes, or alcohol to lift and/or calm you? No
Are you plagued by physical conditions for which there appear to be no cures? Not sure, I'm about to see a doctor.
Do you “lose it” with certain people or in certain situations? Yes
Do you avoid things you wish you could do? Yes
Do you have to be accomplishing something in order to feel good? Yes
Do you frequently behave in ways that you regret? Yes
Do you suffer from mysterious ailments that come and go? Yes
Do you find it impossible to focus on some things for more than a time? Yes
Is it hard for you to trust people? Yes
Do you feel depressed or anxious although you have tried conventional treatments? Yes
Is it difficult for you to commit to a relationship? No, but I also don't let myself look very hard either.
I'm just trying to understand why life today is so hard for me. I know I still need more answers, but I feel without Scientology I would have been allot better off. My life is just so difficult. I battle insomnia daily. I go through life feeling less than able, partly because I have so many issues mentally, but also because my health is failing me. My hair has been falling out for years, my skin looks horrible, I don't heal quickly and just have so many physical problems it makes it very hard for me to enjoy life. Holding down a job is difficult because I can't sleep, than I mentally loose it, and things just get worse.
I'm not trying to whine or moan about all my misfortunes, I'm just trying to understand and really look at why things are just not getting better for me
