Alanzo
Bardo Tulpa
Gather round children, and I'll tell you a story about the Scientologist who Celebrated Christmas!
It was 2pm on Christmas Eve, and all through the mission the staff were tallying up their stats and turning them in to the ED, who was holding HCO From Above.
One by one, the staff came in the door of the ED's office, laid their stat reports on his desk and smiled at him, wishing him a merry Xmas.
Everyone else was leaving, but the ED knew that there was a big wide planet to clear out there, and he was staying late at the mission that night to get the stats reported, and to get a head start on the new week so that the stats would not crash over the holidays like they always did.
The Treasury Sec, Barb, had to stay, too and to report the Treasury stats, which always somehow took a long time to compile. Being one of the biggest little dilettantes on staff, Barb was grumpy that she had to stay and work on Christmas Eve.
As the winter sun began to set on this Christmas Eve, the ED was working hard to do call in for course the next day - Christmas Day. He wanted to make sure the course room was full to the brim as the very best way to celebrate Christmas. Little Bob Cratchet should be so lucky to celebrate Christmas that way, he thought.
The staff were all at home, including the ED's wife - the PES. As the clock neared 7pm, none of the scheduled students were arriving for course. So the ED, who was also the Course Supervisor this Christmas Eve, called all his students for the night, and got answering machines for all of them. The ED informed each of his students that they were blown students right now and that the KRs had been written and sent to the Ethics Officer. (Who was also the ED)
He wagged his finger into the phone at each of them, and thought to himself that they all had other fish to fry, and that he would double his efforts to make sure that Scientology really got home to them, so that next Christmas, they would all be on course.
The most disappointing person who was not there that Christmas Eve, however, was George, the Mission Holder. He was an OT 8, and a Class 8 auditor. The ED thought that if there was ANYONE who should understand the importance of clearing the planet, of the R6 nature of Xmas, and of the total PTSNESS TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, it should be George, the Mission Holder!
But no.
George and his wife were having a Christmas Party at their home for, mostly, wog friends of theirs.
The ED readied his stat report and found that there was a No Report on the Letters Out stat for the week. Yes, that's right, a report was missing. He had reports from Timmy, from Vicki, from Lukey, from Barby and from Anny.
But none from George.
So the ED scrunched up his nose and turned to the phone. It says in policy that a NO REPORT equals DOUBT, and so he decided that it was his duty as an in-ethics, in-tech Scientologist to call George at home during his Christmas party to inform him that a No Report Report was being written on him, which per policy is very serious, and that he would need to come in RIGHT NOW to give the ED his report. The ED needed that Letters Out stat right now, and he needed it in writing before George had left. But George had failed to report.
Hence the No Report Report.
The phone was ringing and the ED sat at his desk in the mostly empty mission. He was hopping mad, and very self-righteous in his anger. For policy was very clear that a no report report was a threat to the whole organization, and often was an indicator of something more serious, a withhold, or a covered up crime, or even an out-ethics situation. Yes, his anger was totally justified. As a Scientology Executive, see, the ED could get mad. Because that's what gets and keeps everyone's ethics in.
George's wife answered the phone.
"Is George there?" asked the ED.
"Who is this?"
"This is Alanzo from the Mission."
"Oh. Hold on."
The outpoint about George's wife was that she had never been in the mission. George had said something about how she needed to do an RTC OT 3 Review cycle but had failed to get herself to Flag for over 5 years to do it. She was probably George's "Why".
The ED could hear laughter, glasses tinkling and other party sounds in the background over the phone. George answers.
"Hello?"
"George. I'm compiling the weekly stats here with Barb and everyone else's Letters Out stat has been reported but yours. That's a No Report, George. I've written the KR and it is going in your file. I need you to come in right now and give me your report for your Letters Out stat this week."
"Alanzo, do you know what 'GI' means?"
"Yes. It means Gross Income." George's tone was unlike any time the ED had ever heard him. He seemed very 1.5, which was odd. The ED's hair was unprepared for what came next over the phone line at him:
"No. 'GI' means GOVERNMENT ISSUE. That means "property of the US Government" - a person who is so by-the-book that they are a total asshole!!!"
Then the phone slammed down in the ED's face.
The ED was stunned. George had never spoken to him that way. He was the ED's auditor. He was like a father figure to the ED - a father he'd never had. Was this what he really thought of the ED? Here the ED was doing exactly what 100% standard ethics, tech and admin said to do, and this is what George has to say to the ED about it?
The ED walked out of his office and looked out the windows of the mission while Barb, with her coat on, laid her stats on the table.
The snow was coming down. It was 11pm on December 24th, and Barb was getting ready to head home. She walked up behind the ED.
"What did he say?"
"Nothing." The ED was crying and he didn't want her to see it.
"OK. Well, the treasury stats are on your desk. I'm going now. Merry Christmas!"
The ED kept looking ahead as people came out of the bar in small groups across the street, laughing.
"Merry Christmas."
The ED went back in to his office and called in the stats to Cary Goulston, the CO SMI EUS.
Cary yelled and screamed at the ED for the stats being so low. He wanted the ED to stay and write out a battle plan for how he was going to get the stats up for New Years and fax it in to him.
The ED stayed and stayed and wrote up the battle plan on how he would keep the stats up for New Year's. As he was faxing in his BP to Cary, the ED looked up at the clock as it turned midnight.
It's Christmas, said the ED, to no one but himself.
And so that's the story, children, of the Scientologist who celebrated Christmas.
It was 2pm on Christmas Eve, and all through the mission the staff were tallying up their stats and turning them in to the ED, who was holding HCO From Above.
One by one, the staff came in the door of the ED's office, laid their stat reports on his desk and smiled at him, wishing him a merry Xmas.
Everyone else was leaving, but the ED knew that there was a big wide planet to clear out there, and he was staying late at the mission that night to get the stats reported, and to get a head start on the new week so that the stats would not crash over the holidays like they always did.
The Treasury Sec, Barb, had to stay, too and to report the Treasury stats, which always somehow took a long time to compile. Being one of the biggest little dilettantes on staff, Barb was grumpy that she had to stay and work on Christmas Eve.
As the winter sun began to set on this Christmas Eve, the ED was working hard to do call in for course the next day - Christmas Day. He wanted to make sure the course room was full to the brim as the very best way to celebrate Christmas. Little Bob Cratchet should be so lucky to celebrate Christmas that way, he thought.
The staff were all at home, including the ED's wife - the PES. As the clock neared 7pm, none of the scheduled students were arriving for course. So the ED, who was also the Course Supervisor this Christmas Eve, called all his students for the night, and got answering machines for all of them. The ED informed each of his students that they were blown students right now and that the KRs had been written and sent to the Ethics Officer. (Who was also the ED)
He wagged his finger into the phone at each of them, and thought to himself that they all had other fish to fry, and that he would double his efforts to make sure that Scientology really got home to them, so that next Christmas, they would all be on course.
The most disappointing person who was not there that Christmas Eve, however, was George, the Mission Holder. He was an OT 8, and a Class 8 auditor. The ED thought that if there was ANYONE who should understand the importance of clearing the planet, of the R6 nature of Xmas, and of the total PTSNESS TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, it should be George, the Mission Holder!
But no.
George and his wife were having a Christmas Party at their home for, mostly, wog friends of theirs.
The ED readied his stat report and found that there was a No Report on the Letters Out stat for the week. Yes, that's right, a report was missing. He had reports from Timmy, from Vicki, from Lukey, from Barby and from Anny.
But none from George.
So the ED scrunched up his nose and turned to the phone. It says in policy that a NO REPORT equals DOUBT, and so he decided that it was his duty as an in-ethics, in-tech Scientologist to call George at home during his Christmas party to inform him that a No Report Report was being written on him, which per policy is very serious, and that he would need to come in RIGHT NOW to give the ED his report. The ED needed that Letters Out stat right now, and he needed it in writing before George had left. But George had failed to report.
Hence the No Report Report.
The phone was ringing and the ED sat at his desk in the mostly empty mission. He was hopping mad, and very self-righteous in his anger. For policy was very clear that a no report report was a threat to the whole organization, and often was an indicator of something more serious, a withhold, or a covered up crime, or even an out-ethics situation. Yes, his anger was totally justified. As a Scientology Executive, see, the ED could get mad. Because that's what gets and keeps everyone's ethics in.
George's wife answered the phone.
"Is George there?" asked the ED.
"Who is this?"
"This is Alanzo from the Mission."
"Oh. Hold on."
The outpoint about George's wife was that she had never been in the mission. George had said something about how she needed to do an RTC OT 3 Review cycle but had failed to get herself to Flag for over 5 years to do it. She was probably George's "Why".
The ED could hear laughter, glasses tinkling and other party sounds in the background over the phone. George answers.
"Hello?"
"George. I'm compiling the weekly stats here with Barb and everyone else's Letters Out stat has been reported but yours. That's a No Report, George. I've written the KR and it is going in your file. I need you to come in right now and give me your report for your Letters Out stat this week."
"Alanzo, do you know what 'GI' means?"
"Yes. It means Gross Income." George's tone was unlike any time the ED had ever heard him. He seemed very 1.5, which was odd. The ED's hair was unprepared for what came next over the phone line at him:
"No. 'GI' means GOVERNMENT ISSUE. That means "property of the US Government" - a person who is so by-the-book that they are a total asshole!!!"
Then the phone slammed down in the ED's face.
The ED was stunned. George had never spoken to him that way. He was the ED's auditor. He was like a father figure to the ED - a father he'd never had. Was this what he really thought of the ED? Here the ED was doing exactly what 100% standard ethics, tech and admin said to do, and this is what George has to say to the ED about it?
The ED walked out of his office and looked out the windows of the mission while Barb, with her coat on, laid her stats on the table.
The snow was coming down. It was 11pm on December 24th, and Barb was getting ready to head home. She walked up behind the ED.
"What did he say?"
"Nothing." The ED was crying and he didn't want her to see it.
"OK. Well, the treasury stats are on your desk. I'm going now. Merry Christmas!"
The ED kept looking ahead as people came out of the bar in small groups across the street, laughing.
"Merry Christmas."
The ED went back in to his office and called in the stats to Cary Goulston, the CO SMI EUS.
Cary yelled and screamed at the ED for the stats being so low. He wanted the ED to stay and write out a battle plan for how he was going to get the stats up for New Years and fax it in to him.
The ED stayed and stayed and wrote up the battle plan on how he would keep the stats up for New Year's. As he was faxing in his BP to Cary, the ED looked up at the clock as it turned midnight.
It's Christmas, said the ED, to no one but himself.
And so that's the story, children, of the Scientologist who celebrated Christmas.
That was a good but sad (and typical) story 
.
