Free to shine
Shiny & Free
I found this message board because I was looking at belief systems and how they affect me now. Things like “I don’t deserve”, “must do”, “not being good enough” sort of thing, ideas you can operate on without even being aware of it. As I was in Scn from young teenagehood, which is quite a few decades ago, of course the indoctrination still exists at some level. I thought it was long gone, how wrong I was.
I wondered about telling my story, and my motives. I know I like to read personal experiences because the similarities are so shudderingly similar, it does help to know you are not alone. Yet I’m not rabidly anti or out for revenge and not into naming names – even if I could remember them all! I still have family believing they are saving the world and that’s it only my own O/Ws and Mus etc that keep me disaffected. I don’t want to cause them harm by posting and yet I also know that we are responsible for our choices and live with the consequences. And I have decided that writing my experiences is my right, because it’s about me, from my viewpoint. I hate to think of what still goes on, and so I am here.
Most dates are blurry, some memories out of sequence, but to start….
I went to my first seminar at an outer org, I think it was John McMaster’s tour. It felt like coming home to be amongst so many smiling and vital people. I did my PE course in May 67. I helped with letter writing, did my 3 times through NED course, although that was a bit of a farce as it was rushed through so I could leave the country.
My family was a large one and it was decided that Flag was the only place to be. House sold, ready to go and a FO came out about no kids under 12. Oops, there were a few, so redirected to Saint Hill, UK. I can’t imagine what my parents went through to transport us all half way round the world, it’s staggering.
When we arrived there was no promised accomodation so we hid out at some house that was empty that someone knew about for a few days, until better things were arranged. I remember it was mouldy and damp and bare and there was another family there too. The kids had to hide when someone came close. Not a good start, but the die was cast and we were there. October 1968.
Saint Hill at that time was an exciting place to be. So many people of all nationalities. Reception was down by the Chapel with the Canteen opposite, the hang out place for students. It was fascinating and ever changing. I remember when I saw snow for the first time, and once even rolling all the way down the driveway in the snow, what fun.
Needless to say, I was soon recruited. What else was there to do? I had left school and had no intention of going back in a new country, and Scn was going to save the world anyway. I enjoyed my post and soon took on the same post on FND as well. Something went wrong there though, I can’t remember details but my first taste of ethics was being offloaded from FND as ‘deadwood’. It didn’t bother me too much, I was still working days! Sometimes I was so tired I toddled off to the loo for a nap, the pace was pretty frantic.
My new found freedom led to me falling instantly in love and becoming pregant. I was 16. It was like time sped up. I was being recruited for the GO but it was decided I would be better in the SO! :confused2: I can’t remember how all this came about. I went to Edinburgh for a month to the new SO. Luckily Captn Phyl was wise enough to send me back to SH, or goodness knows what would have happened. She made up special ‘pregnancy’ exercises for me for the mornings instead of the usual and made sure I was looked after. I am grateful for that. So although I was berthed for a month and worked there, I didn’t actually start my billion year contract. It was postponed for another day, which thankfully never came. I was told I was SO anyway, as I had signed my contract (I remember having to look up 'billion') so to act that way. That was the elite thing that I hate so much.
But what to do with me now? Join the GO after all. I remember that day, it is seared into my mind. Crying because I didn’t want to go, but not knowing I had any other choice. I wanted to save the world but I felt so young and scared.
I’m going to skip this chapter for the moment. Though one incident that I recall is that we were all being sent to London to give out broadsheets. I CSW’d not to go, and it was not okayed, it was an all hands event. I was 8 months pregnant, it was freezing bloody cold and it was a nightmare standing on the streets trying to give away the broadsheets and picking them up again as they were dropped before being done for littering. The journey home is seared in my memory as being pregnant I needed a loo, but the coach couldn’t stop and I was in agony by the time we arrived at the Hill.
After I had my baby (I actually got to have a medical check up twice I think) I was back on post within 7 days, babe under desk. Not going into all the things that happened, I eventually blew in 1970. For the first time.
And the day after, I got married in Saint Hill Chapel. How did I manage that? I am still amazed. Only half the guests came, and I suppose the fact that any did was because they hadn’t heard!
More soon.
I wondered about telling my story, and my motives. I know I like to read personal experiences because the similarities are so shudderingly similar, it does help to know you are not alone. Yet I’m not rabidly anti or out for revenge and not into naming names – even if I could remember them all! I still have family believing they are saving the world and that’s it only my own O/Ws and Mus etc that keep me disaffected. I don’t want to cause them harm by posting and yet I also know that we are responsible for our choices and live with the consequences. And I have decided that writing my experiences is my right, because it’s about me, from my viewpoint. I hate to think of what still goes on, and so I am here.
Most dates are blurry, some memories out of sequence, but to start….
I went to my first seminar at an outer org, I think it was John McMaster’s tour. It felt like coming home to be amongst so many smiling and vital people. I did my PE course in May 67. I helped with letter writing, did my 3 times through NED course, although that was a bit of a farce as it was rushed through so I could leave the country.
My family was a large one and it was decided that Flag was the only place to be. House sold, ready to go and a FO came out about no kids under 12. Oops, there were a few, so redirected to Saint Hill, UK. I can’t imagine what my parents went through to transport us all half way round the world, it’s staggering.
When we arrived there was no promised accomodation so we hid out at some house that was empty that someone knew about for a few days, until better things were arranged. I remember it was mouldy and damp and bare and there was another family there too. The kids had to hide when someone came close. Not a good start, but the die was cast and we were there. October 1968.
Saint Hill at that time was an exciting place to be. So many people of all nationalities. Reception was down by the Chapel with the Canteen opposite, the hang out place for students. It was fascinating and ever changing. I remember when I saw snow for the first time, and once even rolling all the way down the driveway in the snow, what fun.
Needless to say, I was soon recruited. What else was there to do? I had left school and had no intention of going back in a new country, and Scn was going to save the world anyway. I enjoyed my post and soon took on the same post on FND as well. Something went wrong there though, I can’t remember details but my first taste of ethics was being offloaded from FND as ‘deadwood’. It didn’t bother me too much, I was still working days! Sometimes I was so tired I toddled off to the loo for a nap, the pace was pretty frantic.
My new found freedom led to me falling instantly in love and becoming pregant. I was 16. It was like time sped up. I was being recruited for the GO but it was decided I would be better in the SO! :confused2: I can’t remember how all this came about. I went to Edinburgh for a month to the new SO. Luckily Captn Phyl was wise enough to send me back to SH, or goodness knows what would have happened. She made up special ‘pregnancy’ exercises for me for the mornings instead of the usual and made sure I was looked after. I am grateful for that. So although I was berthed for a month and worked there, I didn’t actually start my billion year contract. It was postponed for another day, which thankfully never came. I was told I was SO anyway, as I had signed my contract (I remember having to look up 'billion') so to act that way. That was the elite thing that I hate so much.
But what to do with me now? Join the GO after all. I remember that day, it is seared into my mind. Crying because I didn’t want to go, but not knowing I had any other choice. I wanted to save the world but I felt so young and scared.
I’m going to skip this chapter for the moment. Though one incident that I recall is that we were all being sent to London to give out broadsheets. I CSW’d not to go, and it was not okayed, it was an all hands event. I was 8 months pregnant, it was freezing bloody cold and it was a nightmare standing on the streets trying to give away the broadsheets and picking them up again as they were dropped before being done for littering. The journey home is seared in my memory as being pregnant I needed a loo, but the coach couldn’t stop and I was in agony by the time we arrived at the Hill.
After I had my baby (I actually got to have a medical check up twice I think) I was back on post within 7 days, babe under desk. Not going into all the things that happened, I eventually blew in 1970. For the first time.
And the day after, I got married in Saint Hill Chapel. How did I manage that? I am still amazed. Only half the guests came, and I suppose the fact that any did was because they hadn’t heard!
More soon.
.
Abortion prospects did come up but I was 3 months before I told anyone so that was out of the question.
Walking through trees covered with snow and ice, a magical experience. There were so many lovely people sharing these life experiences there and I felt grateful to be part of it, despite the odd weird and nasty event. In retrospect it was those times of being away from my desk and the cameraderie that kept me going.
That keeps the door open for it to continue. But I didn’t know anything else.
I managed it reasonably well and found out what it was like to buy myself clothes and THINGS. I met people too, and they didn’t bite or cause me to cave in. I ended up working in the same company as another ex staff, she helped me a lot but got sacked I think for speaking out about something. I often wondered what happened to her. 
